Small Bird Studios

It amazes me that this well, this well of absolute sadness and grief is never ever empty. There is always something down there.

Something that motivates me to be a better person.

Something that brings me to tears.

Something that moves my soul like nothing else in the world has ever moved me before.

Something that can make a perfectly good moment burst into a wild goose chase of what ifs and could-have-beens.

The well is sometimes low… and on the days it is low it would be easy to forget it altogether. Life is easy to carry on. Life almost seems NORMAL.

And then there are days that the well is full, tears are behind every smile, and you just feel like a complete mad woman. Running from happy to sad to a blubbering mess in a matter of seconds.

Today the well overflowed. The well wasn’t just present. It wasn’t just full, it pretty much washed over me.

Realizing what tomorrow is.

I am at the point where I am sick and tired of being sad. Just fed up with it. Sadness is so endless… because the loss of a child is infinite in the fact that it transpires into every facet of life.

I know as a Christian we should seek comfort in the word of God, cast our cares on him. But today I had a thought that I just wanted to be happy.

Is that okay?

I just don’t want to feel it. Because something about that deep dark black hole, it has a sucking power. And it’s easy to get lost in. It’s almost too comfortable at times.

We had a fantastic double date tonight, and on the way home it hit me like a ton of bricks. What the heck was I doing? Laughing, carrying on? I was beating myself up, wondering how on earth I could be so ‘okay’ when a day like tomorrow is on the horizon. The day she died. The day I vowed I would never forget. The day that made me question whether or not I’d ever be happy again.

And here I am, four years later. So okay. Yet, so incredibly sad.

The tears will come regardless. Whether I fight them to the teeth or not.

But there is something I plan to do tomorrow, and that is at least one random act of kindness.

And possibly blasting my music much too loud. But I’ll save that for the car.

During birthday week, on her birthday actually, I did a random act of kindness and it was the most exhilarating, rewarding and humbling feeling. I wish I could have captured the person’s face in a photo.

IT WAS PRICELESS!

I was the only person in line at Starbucks one Sunday evening. I was hoping there would be someone behind me to pass this RAOK on to. But alas, it was just me and the cashier.

So I went on with my order, purchased a drink and a $5 gift card. She was swiping my card, asking me my name and then I asked her if she actually liked the drinks there. Because you know, sometimes after working somewhere (even Starbucks!) you might get burned out. She said she did. I pushed the $5 butterfly gift card into an envelope and handed it to her.

“This is for you.” I said. My voice was shaky. I was too scared to react.

She was STUNNED. “Are you serious?!!” She looked down at it. “Are you serious?!”

I nodded, and suddenly realized why this whole random acts of kindness movement is so dang popular. BECAUSE IT IS AWESOME.

We ended up chatting a little bit more about birthday week, our daughters and the reason we are doing it. We connected through instagram and she has been so inspired to do this herself.

So tomorrow, if you would like, I would so love it if you took part in the RAOK in Jenna’s name.

Tomorrow, this well might be overflowing, but I will do everything I can to keep my head above the water. Laughing through the tears. Fighting the sadness. And doing everything I can to make sure my baby girl knows she is so loved, so missed, and too incredible to let this day slide by without making someone else’s day… with even the smallest gesture of kindness.

***UPDATE***

If you decide to join in and share your RAOK’s on Instagram/ Twitter, please use the hashtag #RAOKJENNA so we can see them!:)