I think there should be more hours in a day. Seriously. I miss writing on my blog, I miss reading blogs. As I have recently mentioned I am trying to find time to do… little or next to nothing – just for a short moment each day… but maybe catch up on a blog, or read a book and have a cup of hot tea. That is my new goal :)
When I return to this little space, I feel myself unwind… and relax. A little piece of heaven comes down and I can remember why I’m doing all this in the first place. One thing Carly mentioned on her post the other day was that all the time she pours into her work is the time that would have been all for her son Christian. That is exactly how I feel about this design studio, the hope collages, all of it – this time would have been all hers. I just know Jenna would have been a rambunctious little girl, constantly into something, climbing something, knocking something over… full of life.
As all the dates that we remember her by get closer and closer, I am bombarded with fragments of history. Little pieces of our world from those days and weeks that would mold the rest of our lives.
Some fragments are heavy.
Some are fragile and I dare not push my limit by standing on these too long.
Some fragments are precious, as they all are- but some more precious than others.
Some fragments are like raindrops from heaven. The world I had only read about became so practical. So real. I believed… on a completely different level.
Some fragments are healed.
Some fragments feel unbelievably broken.
Some fragments feel lost.
Some fragments that have revisited my memory these past few days and weeks are still too much.
I welcome all the fragments. I welcome this time of year as a reflection of the events leading up to her birth and death.
Last year the anxiety was crushing. And I think that was the harder than the day itself.
I embrace the pain I will feel.
A mother only grieves because she LOVES so deeply.
- Carly Marie Dudley