I don’t know about you, but I am ridiculously self conscious. And I hate every minute of it.
I struggle with people-pleasing, and just avoiding people I feel have a negative vibe about what I do in my daughter’s memory. BUT this whole perception thing bothers me to the core, no matter how much I’d like to say it doesn’t.
:::
I remember having a professor in college who taught Philosophy of Death and Dying – creepy or ironic? Anyway, I opted to take this one over the basic Philosophy course, for fear of failing out of pure boredom.
Dr. White from day one, carried our class on her wings. It was her baby. And later I would find out why. She shared with us sometime during that semester that she had lost her young adult daughter. I can’t remember for sure how it happened but I think it was a car accident.
I remember thinking she was a little… crazy for lack of a better word? I am horrible. I just thought she truly never got over her daughter’s death, after she clearly chose a profession that stemmed from her traumatic loss.
At the time I was neither married nor a mother. Just plain stupid. I wish I could go back and slap that girl.
Looking back, I realize every attempt to make my daughter’s life count may be perceived through similar, narrow lenses.
:::
As a means to reconcile some of the gaps between what is really ‘me’ and what is perceived on the outside, I am going to take on a self-portrait project.
And I’d looooooovee for you to join me.
Think of it as a gateway to express who you are, who you used to be and who you have become through all of your experiences.
The basic idea is to create an image of yourself. It doesn’t have to be an exact likeness of you, in fact it doesn’t have to look like you at all.
This self-portrait project is not meant to be a classic art display of talent, rather of reflection. Who you know you are inside and not so much what others can see.
Here are a few images I found online that I hope inspire you. You don’t have to have an artistic bone in your body to take on this challenge. Just a need to express…
As you can see, self portraits are not limited to just paint on canvas, it can be… anything.
I find art to be cathartic, and healing. And I am DYING to get back into my messy studio!!!
Will you join me?
-f
I know, I think of that ignorant girl I once was and how I never really understood and judged others. I feel awful about it now. I would love to join you! I am not artistic at all, but will try to come up with something.
Willing to give it a shot!
I can so relate to this post. You dont get this club unless you are in it…. what a beautiful idea about the self portrait!
I would love to join in . Great post
Love this post. This couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time for me–all this weekend I have been feeling like an outsider with my neighbors and people in my day-to-day life. I guess it is kind of an acute self-consciousness of my baby’s death and how I integrated it into who I am and what I do. I am utterly grateful to be able to connect my work and life with loss and grief, until I leave the nest and people seem horrified by all I do. I don’t know if I am articulating this well, but there it is. I love the face made up of words. I will join in. Should we link our work here, or will you post something to link our work?
Ooooh I wanna join you!
I’ve been feeling extra stressed by the self-consciousness lately, especially at work. People seem so different now. Some of them don’t talk to me. Others stop talking when I’m around. Last night, for example, the guys in my shop were in this heavy debate about abortion. When I walked through the room, one of them said “We shouldn’t talk about this with her in here. It makes it a touchy subject.” Maybe I took it too personally, but that irritated me so bad.
I know exactly how you feel. I had a horrible dream last night about someone yelling at me for having my mothers day event. I think its why I have been SOO depressed all day today. I am so right there with you in making this! I need a little motivator to pick me up and i think this is EXACTLY WHAT I NEED! I LOVE THE INCREDIBLE MR. LIMPET quote… it used to be one of my favorite movies when i was little.
This is a gorgeous idea! I love it.
It’s interesting how our own experiences can make us grow – how devastation can open our eyes to others and understand how they live. Sadly some are never able to channel the experience of their losses into something beautiful and productive, they wither under the weight of their own sadness. I wonder what your relationship with your professor would be like if you knew her now? :) xx
It’s like you read my mind, Fran. I’m in….in some way, shape or form. I’m always feeling self-conscious. And because of it…I’m sad much more than I ever was before. I’m scared about what people are thinking, saying, doing. I don’t want to be the center of attention, but I don’t want people to forget. And I should be able to do what I want in honor of my baby…right? Yea, you’d think so….but most are ready for me to “move on.” :( Thank you for your thoughts.
Wow, I think I would love to join in but where to start?? Maybe I’m just scared to delve too deeply into someone I’m not sure I know anymore. Hmmm!