Right Where I Am: 2 years, 16 days

I am joining Angie from Still Life With Circles and a few other women around this community today. The question posed is…

Where are you in your grief? Emotionally. Physically. Psychically.

Hmm. That takes a lot of thinking. The first thought that comes to mind is divided. Right down the middle.


In all honesty my life is awesome. I mean that too. I have a great husband who loves and provides for us. And he loves being our head of the home. We have had a crazy amount of bumps in the road but we have learned immensely from each other. And I love that we live in Texas :)

And my kid, well he’s just plain fun. Just thinking about him makes me smile. His personality attracts complete strangers everywhere we go. He brings everyone so much joy, you know when he’s not having one of his moments. ;)

But then there’s that missing link. The huge what-if. The part of me that longs for my little girl. And all of the sudden I am just fed up with tears. Done- for the time being.

How can life be so awesome and so incomplete at the same time?

Everywhere, and I mean everywhere we go in the back of my head I can’t help but wonder what she’d be doing or saying or thinking. What in the world would her toddler voice sound like?

I hate that I barely knew her.

That’s where I am.

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Comments

  1. 1
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    Stephanie says:

    I am right there with you Fran. I think that you say it perfectly ~ split right down the middle. ME TOO. Your eye is striking ~ by the way!

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    Diana Doyle says:

    Franchesca,

    I couldnt agree with your post more. While life does become richer through lessons learnt through grief there will always be that curiosity and unfairness of our children who are missing. I think I will feel like that for all my days…..

    There will always be a missing piece to my core…like a lost bit of a jigsaw puzzle, however, the love and support from my remaining daughter and family and friends has helped me survive and learn to smile again.

    Thanks for your honesty,
    with love
    Diana x

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    Kelly says:

    Thank you for sharing. I never realized how close in age our angels and rainbows are. Elise died on 4/6/09 and Ella was born on 3/11/10.
    I wish I could say that I am right there with you too, but I’m not. I love my children dearly and they fill me with such joy, but other than that, I only find pain and grief.

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    Sally says:

    “How can life be so awesome and so incomplete at the same time?”

    And this:

    “I hate that I barely knew her.”

    Absolutely.

    Glad you took part in this project.

    xo

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    Lori says:

    YES!!!!!

    I was just having myself a good old cry…even staying up to write about it because I just had to get it out!!!

    But YES!!! My life is pretty amazing too. If no one ‘knew’, they’d seriously be SOOO jealous of me, I am sure!!! And yet, it still.hurts.

    Awesome and incomplete at the same time.
    Exactly.
    xoxo

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    Alissa says:

    I agree with you too…split down the middle is a perfect way to put it. Torn…Pulled. Distorted. How do I really feel? Thank you, Fran, for making me think about it in a different perspective. Again, I’m amazed by your ability to be so creative and inspirational. Sending hugs your way.

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    Leslie Hall says:

    Hey there Fran,
    My wonderful sister-in-law, Carrie, told me about your blog and I am so very thankful she did! My little girl was born July 13, 2001. And went to be with the Lord a day later. I barely knew her…our bodies had Group B strep that had gone into our blood stream causing an amazing infection in the both of us. I was barely able to be there as she passed. Thankfully, the nurses wheeled me down to spend the last moments with her. But almost ten years later. It still hurts. It still makes me angry. I am very blessed with a beautiful daughter and son. And my only comfort is found in God’s word….

    When I get away from that….oh the bitterness.

    But I cleave to God’s promise that my light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for (me) a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;

    I am confident that in the span of eternity…what he is doing with my light affliction, will simply amaze me.

    Fran, what he is doing with you and your precious little girl….its weight will not be know until you are in Glory with her. And then won’t we all stand amazed in HIs glory and feel blessed that He was able to use our frailness, our weakness, our sinful flesh for his Glory. To draw others to Him. Through it all….all of the emotional rollercoaster….I can honestly say “God’s been Good and God’s been faithful…even though I’ve failed Him…He’s NEVER failed me!”

    Thank you for allowing Him to use your heartbreak to touch the lives of others. Every blog has blessed my heart beyond measure!!!

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    Missy says:

    So simple and yet so poignant. Thank you for your words~

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    Angie says:

    I definitely get this. Thank you for sharing right where you are. xo

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    i think walking that line between joy and grief is something that you’ve navigated beautifully, Franchesca.

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    Holly says:

    Thank you for sharing where youre at on this road. I love what Leslie wrote in her comment.

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    Erica says:

    Split down the middle is such a good way to describe where you are, and where many of the rest of us are, too. And I hate that you barely knew her, too. Thank you for sharing this.

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    April says:

    I too wonder what my Diegos toddler voice would sound like I never got a chance to hear him say mommy…. And that is soo tough… I personally feel shattered… And yes split down the middle cuz im grieving n going on w life… Its only been 6 months 4 me since my baby left this earth…

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    “How can life be so awesome and so incomplete at the same time?”

    I don’t know. I really don’t – and yet it it thus.

    Your eye photograph is striking and illustrates this perfectly. Thank you for sharing in Angie’s project – I am astounded by the strength of our experience.

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