I don’t usually let myself go there.
You know… the forbidden zone.
It’s truly endless.
But there are times. Oh, the times.
My heart feels that hole.
It’s real.
Very, very real. Despite the fact that I am usually the only one who feels it. I’ve always had quite an imagination, but this is far too real to be imaginative.
I’ve been seeing more of her through our son lately. I sorta feel guilty even saying that, but it’s true.
I get glimpses of her nose, her smile, her cheeky ways.
Tears fall.
Not for long these days. I usually just wind up feeling ridiculous crying about it now.
Heaven. It fixes things. But not always. Not always I repeat.
I am a Christian. I believe in Heaven. I believe in a God that makes no mistakes.
But I didn’t want my daughter in Heaven, I wanted her here.
More than two years later when I let myself FEEL again for her loss- even for a moment, the longing has not dulled one bit.
It’s a good place to be momentarily.
To remember.
To cry.
To feel.
To embrace the storm that visited my life.
It’s not a place I dwell for long though.
It will always be there until we meet again.
It happens to me all the time. I just cry for a little bit and then go on with my day.
Yeah, it will always be there until you are reunited forever. How can it not?
I think we have found ways to allow ourselves to go there…which is always an “ok” place to be, despite the pain that we feel. But like Holly said, it will be there no matter what, so to feel it more one day than another is a way of life. Sending big hugs your way, hun. XOXO
It happens to me to , a part of my life forever.
Wow –
“More than two years later when I let myself FEEL again for her loss- even for a moment, the longing has not dulled one bit.”
You could have taken these words right out of my mouth!
Isn’t it hard that we have to let ourselves feel? We don’t get to just feel like “normal” people do!
I agree with everything the ladies above have said…
Thinking of you. ((hugs))
I really appreciate your words Fran, you are so right in saying that the reality of heaven does NOT fix things right or make it all better in the here and now….Even though I have the hope of Heaven I believe God knows and understands why we still aache, why we still mourn…life is not as it should be right now, and He knows it too, and He cries with us too. I love getting to know you and sharing in your journey xx
I see in your sidebar that you have Heaven is for Real listed. I am almost finishing it and your are right, one of the best books on the planet. I think that every BLM should read it. I am so sorry that you have to go to that dark place and that your Jenna isn’t here with you. ((HUGS))