I don’t know what’s worse.
Reminders… or the lack thereof.
One of the most deafening realities about losing Jenna has been the remarkable ability of life to simply go on, without missing a beat.
People I least expected, continued, and still continue to hold onto her memory. People I least expected… have let go.
Letting go doesn’t mean they don’t care. That would be ridiculous to assume. Letting go just feels that way.
Today I’m sad. I hate being sad. It is so pointless.
As if life isn’t already trying enough, having a dead baby isn’t exactly a social highlight.
I thought so much about my baby girl today. Red, white and blue ribbons tied to her dark brown curly pigtails. A ridiculously patriotic outfit no doubt involving massive amounts of tulle and a sprinkle of glitter.
Losing her has created a ripple effect that has affected every aspect of my life. Every. single. aspect.
I’ve changed. A whole lot- in fact I don’t even feel like the old Fran. I don’t remember what she was like.
I remember glimpses of that person, who had massive amounts of faith (okay I’m exaggerating, but just go with it), different ambitions, a little girl, her first child growing in her tummy.
Did you know I wanted to teach Jenna French? and Spanish? I was studying French while I was preggo with her, really studying it.
I wanted to get a masters in Art History – French was important to me. But I dropped that ball when the doc told us she wasn’t growing like she should be at 20 weeks. Studying French just felt ridiculous all of the sudden.
I remember praying for her to become a Christian when she grew up, to love God, and the things of God. Now I look back, for what? She would never need those prayers. She’s already with God.
I miss having a group of girls to hang out with, laugh with, share dreams and hopes with.
This was taken a few months before I fell pregnant with Jenna, in June of 2008. It was only three years ago, but it feels like a lifetime ago.
When I consider all the cards in my hand, every single one of them… I know I still have so much to be thankful for.
But sometimes I cannot get over how much her loss, her sweet, short visit has shaken my world to the core.
While life appears to go on without ever missing a beat, the ripple effect proves otherwise. She has forever changed so much.