I’m so mixed up these days. In an attempt to keep a positive spin on everything that’s happened I feel like I’ve lost part of myself… and forgotten a few things. I guess a big part of me second guesses my ability to help someone who has lost a child when I am two years post her death and ranting about how much it still sucks.
But something I realized tonight is that the blogs that helped me the most were the ones with the unfiltered truth… the good, the bad and the ugly. The ones that made me feel normal, accepted and validated, no matter how much time had passed.
So much good has come as a direct result of my little girl’s life and I never dreamed she would be shared with so many. It never crossed my mind that it was even possible.
But no matter how many lives she touches or how much a difference her life makes, I miss her like crazy. Her absence is deafening. I don’t even know what prompted this post, but this is just where I am in this crazy grief.
I like to keep this blog a happy, inspirational, uplifting place – as much as possible. But more than anything my heart is with helping someone who has traveled this unfortunate road. I am reading bits of my blog for Jenna tonight that I used to write on, and I was totally honest. Brutally honest. Raw.
I miss that.
I don’t have many days or moments just absolutely filled with raw grief anymore, but those short-lived moments still exist. And in those moments it is exhausting to maintain a ‘life is awesome!’ attitude.
Those moments vanish as quickly as they come…
In a glimpse. A memory. A dream.
A sighting of a little girl that I imagine Jenna would look so much like.
Clouds.
The smell of hospital rooms.
Certain songs.
The Angel of Grief, Rome-Â via Pinterest
On Friday I went to the cemetery and it was hard. I don’t even pretend to understand grief anymore because there was a time going to visit her helped. It doesn’t help right now. I’m okay with that.
And to be honest, I feel weird even referring to a cemetery visit as visiting her.
That’s progress, I suppose. She’s not there after all.
… Here’s to total honesty.
Honesty is good, and it’s healing. Thanks for sharing this today.
Thank you for sharing! I always loved your honesty on Jenna’s blog, and you will do the same here. Even in the moments of reflecting and feeling the pain that will always exist after the death of a child.
Progress is a slow thing. Healing takes time.
But I find encouragement through you as well!
Hugs!
Franchesca,
Sending a hug to you. Grief is a strange beast…I, like you try to keep a positive spin and look at all the good things my daughter left behind too.
But the reality is she’s not here, she will never throw her arms around my neck and say i love you and I will never see ‘those’ eyes ever again. Thats the reality…and I think its more healing and helpful to be honest as you have today and written that while most days you are ok…it IS normal to still have moments and memories that make you cry and miss your little girl.
I think for me, knowing that its ok and normal to feel like that helps me to know I am coping and healing on this journey of grief and that if I do have my pity party days…thats ok.
thanks for sharing, honestly…you’ll help so many others.
love
Diana x
Thank you for sharing, Franchesca. I feel the same somedays. Wish I could actually blog more, but sometimes I would probably just ramble and so I find it easier to post uplifting messages/verses/songs on FB that hopefully encourage people. What you are doing is on a much grander scale, but I so know what you mean…it would be nice to just let it all hangout more often. I love your heart for other BLMs and that you are honest/uplifting/encouraging all rolled into one awesome mommy :)
Love ya girl!
Sending hugs and prayers your way. <3
Oh Fran,
I feel you! I have been overflowing with the un-fun kind of honesty lately too. I am three years out since losing my girls and it is still so hard. I have more good days too. I am not as raw all the time either. But man, sometimes it hits me still like a ton of bricks and I just want to scream. I MISS MY GIRLS AND I WANT THEM BACK! Healing feels like all smoke and mirrors at times. I question if I am making any real progress or if it just seems that way like a mirage or illusion. I have come to the conclusion that it is simply a long dramatic road this journey through grief and some days it is smooth sailing and others it is very rough seas. The pain well, it is what it is, and we must endure. It is what happens when we lose what we love more than life itself. I will admit, I can’t stand that overly sunny post grief attitude. I LOVE your honesty. I love when you share joy and I love when you record every tear. It doesn’t get me down, it encourages me, because I know that I am not alone in my same exact feelings. Hang in there Fran! You are such an inspiration to all of us just as you are.
I value honesty and crave to see and hear it more from others…thank you for your authenticity, it helps others more than you know, as well it helps YOU. Hugs to you xx…I can tell you 4 1/2 years down the road that its still hard, there are still awful days, but the intensity is not as consistent and the sharp edges have receded a bit. For me, as ugly as it is to admit on a public forum, i was deeply depressed for 2 years after Zoe died….I know its not about comparing but hey, I thought it might help you to know that. You are doing really well and pursuing wholeness and healing and what it means to be a mommy to a daughter on the other side, for all this you can be proud. Much Love to you!
“I value honesty and crave to see and hear it more from others…thank you for your authenticity” HOPE. Yes EXACTLY!!! If we can’t be real in this life with one another then what is the point! Fran, praying for your heart. Praying for your heart!
Since I left my old blog and started blogging at the new blog a year ago, I have been doing the same thing. Trying to make my blog happy. Not so much grief is in it. I feel as though maybe sometimes I just don’t have the heart to write it down anymore. IT’s been almost 3 years for me. I am pregnant with my rainbow due 2 days after kenner’s birth/death day. I love my rainbow so much BUT scared to get to close, too attached…..TOO late for that. I love coming to your blog, you are s inspiring. You have helped and will continue to help others on our journey. Much love to you Fran <3
Thanks for sharing your honest feelings Fran. I do agree, that it is so much more helpful…probably for both the women who follow you here and most importantly for you.
I appreciate your honesty! Every word you said I can relate to, honesty is what will get us thru our grief. Sending a hug your way….
Jennie
I’ve always liked honesty when people write. It doesn’t help to try and play down your feelings. I don’t write as much about the down moments anymore. One, because they don’t happen as often. Two, because I don’t have as much time as before to write. But this is a good reminder for me to still take the time to write it out sometimes.
Lots and lots of virtual hugs. I love your honesty. I love your posts. And I love your memories of your daughter – they are beautiful!
It’s good for people to be honest and raw with their emotions. It’s healing. I think grief is a process, a process that never ends. It’s a life long process. It feels like a piece of my puzzle is missing that I will never have to complete it (she’s not here to complete it). I think that as you go through grief you learn to live with it every moment of every day that at times you don’t realize the emptiness because you get used to the numbness.
You and Jenna have been such an inspiration. You keep her memory alive each and every day through the work you do to help others that are walking in similar shoes. You are such a strong Momma and truly inspirational <3
{{{HUGS}}}
I understand this totally. I am 2.5 years on, and in some ways I feel like I am now not coping where I thought I used to. I too try to help people, and think maybe I am not such a good example. But My thoughts on it have led me to conclude that our minds protect us from a certain amount of the devastating grief in the early stages, while our body is numb and we are in shock. As time goes on I think the grief changes as I have realised exactly how long forever is. I thought I knew what that final goodbye meant… I didn’t I had no idea. And as for honesty… I am all for it. I think it’s the only way I cope, honesty and acceptance. The way I feel is the way I feel. Just that.
Mel recently posted..Beautiful Births