I’m so mixed up these days. In an attempt to keep a positive spin on everything that’s happened I feel like I’ve lost part of myself… and forgotten a few things. I guess a big part of me second guesses my ability to help someone who has lost a child when I am two years post her death and ranting about how much it still sucks.
But something I realized tonight is that the blogs that helped me the most were the ones with the unfiltered truth… the good, the bad and the ugly. The ones that made me feel normal, accepted and validated, no matter how much time had passed.
So much good has come as a direct result of my little girl’s life and I never dreamed she would be shared with so many. It never crossed my mind that it was even possible.
But no matter how many lives she touches or how much a difference her life makes, I miss her like crazy. Her absence is deafening. I don’t even know what prompted this post, but this is just where I am in this crazy grief.
I like to keep this blog a happy, inspirational, uplifting place – as much as possible. But more than anything my heart is with helping someone who has traveled this unfortunate road. I am reading bits of my blog for Jenna tonight that I used to write on, and I was totally honest. Brutally honest. Raw.
I miss that.
I don’t have many days or moments just absolutely filled with raw grief anymore, but those short-lived moments still exist. And in those moments it is exhausting to maintain a ‘life is awesome!’ attitude.
Those moments vanish as quickly as they come…
In a glimpse. A memory. A dream.
A sighting of a little girl that I imagine Jenna would look so much like.
The smell of hospital rooms.
The Angel of Grief, Rome- via Pinterest
On Friday I went to the cemetery and it was hard. I don’t even pretend to understand grief anymore because there was a time going to visit her helped. It doesn’t help right now. I’m okay with that.
And to be honest, I feel weird even referring to a cemetery visit as visiting her.
That’s progress, I suppose. She’s not there after all.
… Here’s to total honesty.