A Different Hope

Every once in a blue moon I’ll visit Jenna’s blog. I made it private for personal reasons but sometimes I take a stroll down memory lane ‘where i was’ this time last year, two years ago, etc.

Two years ago the grief was raw. Agonizing. For some reason four months after she died was harder than it was right after her loss. It began to sink in, and on some level it became real.

Hope was bleak. There was guilt at the idea of healing. Now that totally doesn’t make any sense, but it DID.

I have a different hope today.

I got reminded today of that sweet moment that will make life so worth it. All worth it. When I do get to hold her again.

And answer the mystery in my heart of who this precious girl is.

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    amanda says:

    Fran, thank you for sharing this precious photo. I understand about feeling worse months later, that’s when it really all sets in and becomes all too real. Thank you, not only for sharing the photo, but for sharing Jenna with us.

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    Crystal says:

    Big hugs!

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    Natasha says:

    I’m slowly learning how grief changes as time goes on. Things I thought I would never do 10 months ago I find myself doing more often. Like laughing and enjoying days out with my family. I used to think that I would be a horrible person to have fun again because my son was gone. But I too now have that different kind of hope you talk about here.

    Thanks as always for sharing yourself and Jenna with us…..xoxo

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    Holly says:

    I found it most difficult around 6 months. Looking back we can see how far we have come in healing.

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    Deanna says:

    This photo is precious, thank you for sharing. I have a hard times some days, being excited about little things, why should this make me happy, when River isn’t here? It is hard to find a place where we feel “ok” with all aspects of our lives. I am so glad to get to know you, and all of the other lovely ladies, I don’t know where I’d be without you.

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    Stephanie Desjarlais says:

    It was definitely worse for me months after Bailey left. The shock had worn off and all that was left was pain, anger, sadness. We were alone again, just as it was before I was pregnant but even quieter than before. She was supposed to bring noise into the house, beautiful baby crying and cooing noise and it was silent again. Just me and him all alone.

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    Lori says:

    I always tear up a bit at the end of each church service when my pastor says, “Maranatha!” as I long for that day too! Cant wait to meet so many precious little ones!

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    Beth says:

    This encourages me in a perhaps weird kind of way…that it was hard for you months after Jenna’s death than right after. That is what I am experiencing — we’re about 6.5 weeks out, and it’s been far harder this past week (excluding Christmas, surprisingly) than the previous weeks. I think that what you said for yourself is also true for me — that the reality is finally sinking in.

    The worst day was last Thursday, after we received our hospital photos. I think maybe I was subconsciously expecting to feel like I was holding Eve again when I saw the pictures. Obviously, that was not a realistic expectation. That’s when I realized for the first time that this is it — there is no future with my baby girl, at least not in this life. Ah, reality, how bitter it can be.

    Anyway, it is encouraging that you had a similar experience…it shows me that I’m not crazy! :) And also not crazy to hope that one day I will get to know my daughter more fully.
    Beth recently posted..Here We AreMy Profile

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      Franchesca Franchesca says:

      Oh you are definitely not alone in feeling this. It seems impossible but grief has a way of unfolding over a long span of time. It’s just always bittersweet. Sending you big big (((hugs))) friend.

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    tracey deloney says:

    What a sweet angel. I dont know your feelings but on 3/1/08 i lost a grandbaby who was stillborn at 23 weeks. I just do know you feel like your world was coming to an end and why or what you did to deserve this. Honey you did nothing god just wanted that precious angel with him by his side. God bless.

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    Kats Hawkes says:

    Thank you..

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