How They Will Remember Me

I had a scare today. A very personal one.

I won’t share details, so please don’t ask.

But it made me think about life.

And death.

And how my family members and friends will remember me if I was to die today.

It turns out that my scare was just that – a scare. Nothing more, and praising God for every bit of it.

But I was driving home today with my Bubby in the backseat and I began to reevaluate my life. How I spend my hours, days and weekends.

The time I spend with Bubby, with my husband. With my family. Close friends. And all the people that share a place in my heart.

I wonder what they’ll remember me by.

I don’t write this to hear flowery responses of love and reassurance. I’m clearing my head tonight, crying as I write this. It is overwhelming at times to remember that life is so– short.

Will they remember me as a good mother? A good wife? A woman who sacrificed parts of motherhood and marriage for a dream?

As a mother who never got over the loss of her daughter?

As a Christian who lost bits of her faith along the way?

A woman who dared to question God and lived and died the consequences?

A mother who used Facebook too much?

The girl that designed stuff?

It took a little scare to make me wonder how this short life will be remembered.

Life is such a gift.

Too often I get so wrapped up in this beautiful mess my daughter left behind, and I write that unapologetically. It’s my baby, it’s what I do to keep me sane. In a way this is how I get to mother my daughter so far away. But no matter how many hours I pour into this little dream, she’ll never come back. It will never be enough time spent.

I am more serious than ever about setting hours just for her. Just for this dream. Over time, my work and life have gotten so tangled together that I can hardly find time just to be in one or the other. That’s bad, I know.

My attempt will be…

blogging less…

taking Bubby to the park more often…

and getting on that darn slide with him! He loves it.

looking up yummy recipes. because you all know I can’t cook right? But one can dream…

Saying a kind word to the cashier who looks miserable at his/ her job…

taking my son to see his grandpa at his job for surprise visits…

using my blinker when driving…

setting a time just for her…

praying more… reading more… finding the courage to be consistent.

picking up my paintbrush… just because.

giving people the benefit of the doubt… even when it hurts…

facebook less…

tell Pete I appreciate him more…

Remember to live.

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Comments

  1. 1
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    Heidi says:

    Funny you should post this. I was so behind on racing all the blogs from a sick baby and myself. Then I realized it wasn’t worth it…so I cleared pretty much all my google reader. It was refreshing!

  2. 2
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    Heidi says:

    Sorry…just wanted to say….I am glad you are okay! Squeeze that Bubby!!!!
    Heidi recently posted..Fast Forward ButtonMy Profile

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    Stephanie Desjarlais says:

    So relieved you are safe. I’ve been there, I understand.

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    Jill says:

    Oh Fran, Glad you are okay! Life sure is precious and just too darn short. Having a scare sounds so awful. It sure does put things in perspective though and makes us want to live and love even more than we already do.

    Hugs!!!

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    Michaela says:

    Thank-you for posting this Fran. I am glad you are okay! I can totally relate to this- and it seems worse as the holidays approach. I get so lost and overwhelmed in my journey too. Sometimes you really just need to step back out of “the beautiful mess” and treasure and hold onto what we have in this life. It is hard to balance time between both- I understand. Thinking of you!

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    Dana Kristine says:

    You have left me giggling with tears in my eyes…. everything you have said is soooo true! Life is such a beautiful gift. And i am glad to call you my friend… my sister (from a different mister). Not only are u beautiful on the outside but on the inside as well..
    Now take Bubby down that slide a zillion times and watch him laugh! Lol!! Oh and dont forget to make indian sounds haha! the little things make him so happy and i loooove it and him! Give him a hug for me!
    And i am so glad you are ok…! If you need anything im a phone call away! Xoxo!

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    Debby Pucci says:

    This hit home for me but in a different way. I love your plan and I pray you stick to it.
    Turning 60 this year made me realize how quickly it all goes by and I have to start
    living before I die. ((HUGS))

  8. 8
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    thanks for sharing this. It’s just what God wanted me to see today.
    Chrissy Boerman recently posted..Winter Bucket List….My Profile

  9. 9
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    Hope says:

    xxxx, i hear you and i totally agree friend =)
    Hope recently posted..A Rose is a RoseMy Profile

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    Trisha says:

    Thank you for sharing. Reminders for us all.
    Trisha recently posted..Fun with OatmealMy Profile

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    Jennifer LeBlanc says:

    I love this. Thank you for sharing.

    Thankful you are ok.
    Jennifer LeBlanc recently posted..A Baby with a NameMy Profile

  12. 12
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    I always love to read your beautiful words. I had a scare too. Not to long ago. Just a scare as well and it was very scary.
    I am so convicted by your post. I struggle with the same things.
    Thinking of you today!
    Melanie Cantelmo recently posted..serve.My Profile

  13. 13
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    gina toothe says:

    i too had a scare like that and it affected me so bad at the time. It was a close call. I don’t mind saying. I was nearly hit by a car crossing in a crosswalk. Worse thing was that my son was on the other side of the road ( i was crossing to pick him up)and would have witnessed it. to this day it makes me sick. It just wasn’t my time. spared by seconds. So scary. within the past week, i watched an Oprah show on OWN~ one of her classes she does. it was about how we are so fast paced in society. We run around and we aren’t even aware sometimes of what is happening around us or to us in the moment. This can at times have bad, or even deadly consequences. oprah suggested that we all slow down, and try to live more in the moment.. i think asking ourselves the questions like u did can be very good. sort of a re-evaluation of our life, and where to go next.i have to strongly agree with u on the FB thing, and for me a blog reader who is now addicted. So with that said, i am getting off this computer real soon and spendins some time with my son. good-night and i hope you don’t have another scare like that anytime soon. Stay well and take care ;)

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    Caroline says:

    So glad you are ok. I had a close call 6 wks ago so many thoughts went through my head.

    Thinking of you. <3
    Caroline recently posted..Six Word SaturdayMy Profile

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    Sarah says:

    I “see” you as someone that; gives, gives, gives. Not because Jenna passed but because it’s who you are. Thank you for being you.

    I think that it’s great that you will take some time for yourself to; hug, squeeze, slide and enjoy. You deserve it.

    God Bless.

  16. 16
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    Nat Mardon says:

    SO GOOD to re-evaluate who we are and where we spend our time – from time to time. Sadly, we often only do it when crisis hits. What REALLY in important to us. Love it. Thankyou for sharing Fran. So glad you’re still here!

  17. 17
    17

    Man this post hit home. Because I so get it…the time that is taken away by those I love…for good things…time spent “mothering Faith, Grace, and Thomas” by reaching out to others…time running to and fro…time working…and sometimes time wasted on stuff like facebook.

    Thank you for this honest and real post. I think it touches to the heart of many busy women trying to balance it all. So glad you are ok. Thank you for sharing your beautiful gifts with so many.

    Love to you…
    Kelly @ Sufficient Grace recently posted..More Stuff I Learned From Dinah ~ Being a Student of Husbands & Sons and Getting Out of the WayMy Profile

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    Stephine says:

    I just wanted to say.. you are awesome! And I’m glad you’re okay.
    Stephine recently posted..Weighted Bears for Angel MommiesMy Profile

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    Holly says:

    I am glad the scare did not turn out differently. I have wondered before what this life would be like for my loved ones without me in it. It hurts me the most to think of my children growing up without me and not really remembering who I was.

    I have been spending less time on the computer but I need to spend even less. Nothing on there really matters in the big picture.
    Holly recently posted..Illuminate ~ Week 2 ~ LightMy Profile

  20. 20
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    New Follower from Casey Leigh and I am SO glad I found you. I can’t wait to read more of your gorgeous blog and life. I hope to see you around my place sometime :)

  21. 21
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    Beth says:

    I had a similar scare today. Not caused by anything…I just got super scared that my husband would get hit by a car today, and our last few days together have not been as great as I would have liked — too much computer time, too much time not interacting but merely existing side by side. It’s terrifying, how fragile and brief our lives are. I am with you in attempting to live more fully, more presently.

    Have you read One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp? That book is a response to her feeling that she was not living presently enough, not accepting the small, daily gifts that God was presenting. It’s a profound and life-changing book. VERY recommended! :)
    Beth recently posted..Here We AreMy Profile

    • 21.1
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      Franchesca Franchesca says:

      Oh Beth, I am so sorry. I remember being constantly afraid of losing Pete. I just couldn’t fathom losing him too. I hope and pray that your relationship grows stronger than ever before with your husband.

      I have heard so many great things about Ann Voskamp’s book, but I haven’t read it! I am definitely going to read it now, thank you for sharing more about it. :)

      Speaking of books! Have you read Angie Smith’s book “I will carry you”? or “Heaven is for real” by Todd Burpo? Both have been monumental for me since losing Jenna.

      xxxx

      • 25
        Beth says:

        No, I haven’t read those, although I was given Heaven is For Real right after Eve died. I have been reading other things — A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis and A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sitters (both SO good). I will check out the Angie Smith one for sure. Thanks!
        Beth recently posted..ProgressionMy Profile

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    Beth says:

    It’s so strange to come back to this post — to see that you wrote and posted it the day we found out Eve had died. I wandered over here (again) from the “Must Read” section of your sidebar. What a mind-trip, remembering that life is going on when our lives had screeched to the most horrible halt.
    And yet it’s somehow comforting, too, to know that you were going on from your daughter’s loss just at the same time that I was being broken by my daughter’s loss. And that the same is happening now . . . we live, we laugh and blog and create and hug and cry and love, and everywhere babies are dying and people are dying and life is going on. Strange and beautiful and strange . . .
    Beth recently posted..{30 Days of Relationship} Confessing + BeginningMy Profile

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      Franchesca Franchesca says:

      So true, so true. When I hear someone refer to the month of May in 2009 in conversation or even in the news I feel the same thing. It is mind-blowing to think that someone is/was living a ‘normal’ life while your world is crashing down. It seems almost wrong, but as time goes on, it is comforting that we are not trapped in the most horrible moment of our lives.

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