I can remember vividly the end of 2009. My husband was helping his brother at a firecracker stand, as he usually does. A sweet baby was growing inside me once again. But inside I felt like I was dying.
The year that we met our firstborn, held her, and said goodbye.
As 2009 slipped into 2010, I cried massive massive tears. I would never ever be in the same year we knew her, the year that changed our lives forever and more than ANY other year ever had.
2009. New Year’s Eve. As the world celebrated with new years wine and firework shows I was by myself on the couch, my soul felt entirely empty.
My word of the new year for 2010 was perspective, trying to gain perspective on her death and the new life we live, and the new life she lives. Trying to wrap my mind around the reality of Heaven. The reality of this statement my preacher’s wife told me.
My greatest loss was her greatest gain.
2011 was filled with transition into this new world of raising a new child, and juggling so much joy in one hand and living with the emptiness that exists where she belongs. This entire year has been a contradiction of realities. My only hope as another year approaches is to embrace joy, real joy. To let go of the guilt, fear and doubt that still lingers from time to time. To live life fully.
To simply live.
As the year leaves us, I want to thank you so much for following our journey, supporting my crazy ideas and reading my ramblings. Sharing our daughter with the world means more than I could ever put into words.
Happy New Year darling. xx
Nat Mardon recently posted..A special place for Seb…
I can so relate to that feeling of both joy and emptiness. 10 years on, I’m only just allowing myself to feel some of that elusive joy, whilst acknowledging the sadness and sorrow that is always there. I’m resolving to allow more joy in the coming year. Blessings to you all x
DeborahJoy recently posted..27 December
So happy to have found your blog. :) I love your honesty and transparency. You are so strong girl!
Erin recently posted..Hello 2012, We Are Ready!
thank YOU for sharing her with us.
Dear Franchesca,
I am a frequent, albeit silent reader. Today, you spoke my heart. This has been the worst year, the year we found out she was and the year we found out she wouldn’t be…here, that is. One would think I would want to run into the next year, and yet it is everything but…this is the only year where SHE WAS. She still is, a perfect her, a her I will get to meet someday, but my heart hurts so very much knowing that we are leaving the only year that ever recorded her existence on this earth. What a comfort to read your words and know someone else has desperately wanted to grab hold of a year and not let go.
Oh Kathleen, I am so sorry for your loss, and for your pain. I can totally understand you wanting to take hold of this year and not wanting it to leave. Sending lots of love and prayers xxxxx
Thank you for sharing yourself and Jenna with us. You are always such an inspiration!
Love following you…she and YOU have brought much courage to so many others!
Heidi recently posted..Dear 2011
This is beautiful. I feel your pain and I’m scared. I already feel the sadness when we walk by the boys clothes or I see a little one. I’m trying day by day to live with it a little more. Big, big hugs. I hope you had a little bit better new years this year.
Stephine recently posted..Workout with me!
I can relate so much – sometimes even simply living requires strength. keep strong, you are an inspiration!
Melodie recently posted..the imperfectionist.