I can remember vividly the end of 2009. My husband was helping his brother at a firecracker stand, as he usually does. A sweet baby was growing inside me once again. But inside I felt like I was dying.
The year that we met our firstborn, held her, and said goodbye.
As 2009 slipped into 2010, I cried massive massive tears. I would never ever be in the same year we knew her, the year that changed our lives forever and more than ANY other year ever had.
2009. New Year’s Eve. As the world celebrated with new years wine and firework shows I was by myself on the couch, my soul felt entirely empty.
My word of the new year for 2010 was perspective, trying to gain perspective on her death and the new life we live, and the new life she lives. Trying to wrap my mind around the reality of Heaven. The reality of this statement my preacher’s wife told me.
My greatest loss was her greatest gain.
2011 was filled with transition into this new world of raising a new child, and juggling so much joy in one hand and living with the emptiness that exists where she belongs. This entire year has been a contradiction of realities. My only hope as another year approaches is to embrace joy, real joy. To let go of the guilt, fear and doubt that still lingers from time to time. To live life fully.
To simply live.
As the year leaves us, I want to thank you so much for following our journey, supporting my crazy ideas and reading my ramblings. Sharing our daughter with the world means more than I could ever put into words.