Words are powerful. More powerful than I ever imagined they could be.
About a year and a half ago something happened that I was never able to fully get over. Words were said to me that were not just hurtful- they felt like accusations, and WILD accusations at that.
They were words that couldn’t be farther from the truth, but they were said by someone who had the BEST of intentions. But even knowing that it was hard to get over them. That whole ‘sticks and stones’ thing- what a lie.
I talked to a few close friends about the situation and even after talking about it, I still felt no peace. I felt hurt, angry and entitled.
Little did I know that by hanging on to it, I was also allowing a seed to take root in my heart.
Bad seed. Bitter seed.
It was a seed I never intended to allow in my heart after losing Jenna.
I was in a dark place at this time. I felt like I was dying, and at the same time I felt so ashamed because I had so much to be thankful for, after God had just given us such a beautiful little boy. A healthy child.
One evening, after service I came to the alter to hopefully sort some things out with God. Someone came to pray with me. It was someone I didn’t know too well, but she was an older woman I had seen in our church quite a bit.
The first thing she asked, as she saw tears and mascara smeared all over my face was something along the lines of… Have you cheated on your husband?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? No, I didn’t say this at the alter, but I was thinking it. I was floored, embarrassed, and wishing I’d never gone up there in the first place.
No, no I haven’t… I replied. I told her about our daughter, but at that point the moment was gone. I just wanted to get back to my seat and forget the whole thing ever happened.
I was infuriated. Someone I barely knew, someone that barely knew me – would assume the only reason I could be crying was because I cheated on my husband.
Oh goodness. Talk about mortifying.
But more than anything I felt so let down. Even though our marriage was fine, my heart was in desperate need of help. Our baby had died. And this just seemed like the last straw. No one, not any one – would ever get it, unless they’d been there.
For the next year I promised myself I would never let my guard completely down in church again. This sounds terrible, right? Because church is supposed to be a safe place. But I didn’t know how else to handle it.
So for the next year or so I kept my promise to myself just fine.
But the seed that was growing was keeping me from more than humiliating remarks. A closer walk with God, fellowship with Him, hearing his voice, and possibly embracing sweeter moments in life.
A few days ago this person and I crossed paths, even though I’d been trying to avoid her (who wants a second hand of embarrassment, right?) She happened to be sitting next to me one evening in a service.
She started talking to me, and I can’t remember how the conversation started, but she didn’t remember me. And she really didn’t remember our first conversation at the alter a year or so ago.
This whole time… this WHOLE time here I was thinking she was thinking the absolute worst of me.
She kept telling me that I remind her of her granddaughter. She is such a beautiful girl she said, and smiled. She talked some more about her grandchildren and family.
She asked me a few get-to-know-you questions and inside I felt a HUGE mixed sense of relief and humility…
Relief- because I was wrong.
Humility – because I was so wrong… and so full of me {sad but true}, that it had even mattered what someone else thought in the first place.
I hadn’t noticed until that very moment just how quickly that bad seed had taken over in my heart. And how much of a wall I had built around my heart to keep from repeating this moment.
A few things passed through my mind, haunting me. Things that had been affected. Things that could have been different. Things I could have changed or felt differently about. Had it not been for that seed that I allowed into my heart.
Bad seed, you stole a year from me. And what an eye-opened you have been. I’m almost a little thankful.
I got reminded of the mercy of God.
Today I’m free…
Oh, Fran, I’m sorry you were hurt. But thank you for sharing this & reminding me about things that I hold in my heart that can keep me from living a fulfilled life.
(((HUGS)))
Wow. I really needed to read that today. I have so many thoughts and conversations in my mind and I know I’m allowing them to root and take hold of me. It’s only been six months since my “conversation” but hopefully reading this, will keep me from letting the next six months be stolen. Thank you for sharing!
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So true about that bad seed and the root of bitterness it sprouts in our hearts if we let it. Humility is hard, but truly a blessing…and a gift. It rescues us from the bad seeds…and from ourselves.
What you said about church, though. It is true that sometimes well meaning people can speak words that cut deeply. And, it often happens, unfortunately at church. Church was one of the hardest places for me after losing our babies. Some of the scriptures people quoted, meant for comfort, even hurt at the time. God has healed those wounds and I understand that we all need grace, and often we dwell on those words much more than the person who spoke them. We read meanings into them filtered through our pain, which, let’s face it, in the thick of grief feels bigger than anything else, you know?
Thanks for sharing this, Fran. I am sure you are not alone in this experience of being hurt by words in a place where you hoped to be met with love and grace. And, this post will be an encouragement to those who have felt the sting.
Kelly @ Sufficient Grace recently posted..He…(with a prayer request)
I so agree Kelly.
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Beautifully spoken Kelly. Fran, thanks for this post. I really think i needed to see it today. I have been struggling with some hurt from a family member and i realize now it is consuming my life and my abilities. And life is too short. I think i now know what i need to do, and i must begin by forgiving. You have offered encouragement & hope here. I am so happy for you that you are free ;)
Thank you Gina, hoping and praying that forgiveness and peace can take place where that hurt used to be. xxxx
What a truth Kelly. Humility is a saving grace. And I guess when we think about the cross, we shouldn’t be surprised that some of the hardest life lessons come from humility. Oh boy.
Church was and has been the hardest place to be for me too. I think it was about expectations that I felt others had for me, and of course words that they told me or my family members about me. All well-meaning, just hurtful. I wish I didn’t read so deeply into them because you’re so right. It is hard to see anything clearly in the thick of grief.
Lots of love to you Kelly xxxx
Praise God for your beautiful freedom from the bad seed, and for your recognition of it! You’re right, that WAS super mortifying. But I’m glad it turned out okay. I hope that one day will be able to weed out my own bad seeds…
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I’m so with all the other commenters.
I feel hurt on your behalf, and I wish I had sufficient humility to let go of some of the bitterness I feel towards (well-meaning) friends who said unintentionally hurtful things.
My ‘conversation’ goes back over 9 YEARS and now, thanks to your post, I realise I need more grace. And yes, mine happened at church too :-(
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Oh Deborah. I am so sorry. It is so sad that it often happens at church. :( Praying for grace to cover your heart in the days ahead. xxxx
I’ve planted this seed, too. And I still don’t frequent church yet. You have made me think in a new light though……thanks, Franchesca.
xoxo
Christy I think it is so hard not to plant this seed, especially after losing a child – with all the (well-meaning but hurtful) things that get said. Prayers and lots of love xxxx
Oh Fran, I’ve been there, not with loss but a different kind of grief and bitterness. Hugs to you and I’m glad you were finally able to lift that burden off of your mind, and heart.
Mandy Hansen recently posted..Robbed of Joy and Excitement
so tell me how you started to scrap away the hurt and the bitterness? I have been hurt by family, then after Sophee died and the “friends” who were tough loving me because I needed to “”move on at God speed.” I replay this over and over and over! I go back and say to myself “Sophee has only been gone for 6 months.” And every time we have a service on bitterness rooting in your heart …I can’t help but face the truth: I am bitter…in and at more people or ways then 1! I can pinpoint a few people I am still angry with, I can pray for those people. But I feel as if the thicket of the bitterness is more then I can weed through to get back to standing in a place of joy and peace. I DO NOT want to be a bitter old woman and already feel that I am at 31 years old…I am expecting our “rainbow” baby in August and keep thinking that is going to help my heart…then there is a part of me that knows if nothing changes…well nothing changes! I am stuck…and I am tired of being in this place…I want to move! But do not even know what the first step is. I want to bring Him glory, I want to praise Him with all my heart! Not just the part that isn’t totally corrupt! I will chew on anything you have for me! I am sure that the Lord did not bless me with Sophee for 201 days, after the doctors said she wouldn’t survive birth, for any reason except for His glory! Blessings!
Oh Summer. I am so sorry. I can’t say there is an easy way out of it because our bitterness and the hurt stems from such LOVE we have for our children. It’s almost been three years and I can only now think about some of the people that cut me the deepest without having bitter feelings towards them. I guess for a long time I felt entitled. And that was so wrong on my part. I was becoming someone I didn’t even recognize.
Your rainbow baby will fill a huge huge hole in your heart, but the baby will not even come close to mending the wounds that have been caused by others’ words and actions. Only Christ can do this. Give him your pain, tell him exactly how you feel over and over and over again. All I remember asking for was mercy, because I knew at that point the only way I would be getting help from Heaven was if God still had enough mercy to help me. And he did. And I know he can help you too.
Most of all, be patient with yourself. God is long-suffering, and he more than anyone knows how hurtful these comments must have been to you.
Praying for you xxxx
Oh my goodness, what a great lesson. I’ve struggled with this exact thing, at church even. It’s so easy to let a small offense grow and take over the heart. It’s something I struggle with to this day. Thank you so much for sharing!
Some people are:
1) So nosey
2) So opinionated that they think everyone in a church is there because they have done wrong
Try and put it out of your mind as harsh as it was and all the best for 2012!
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Great great post, I needed to hear this because I too feel like I allow people’s judgement’s to take over more than they should.
I am glad you feel better and you are “free.”
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Thank-you for this post. I know you wrote it a while ago, but it spoke to my heart this week. I realized just how strong a grip bitterness was taking on me and that I really need to deal with it now. Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing. I love your blog!
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