This place is new.
This place is comfortable.
There is sunshine.
Laughter.
The faint memory of guilt that swallows up the day.
The deep sadness and raw face of grief that I thought would never ever leave my soul in peace is somewhere in the past.
I can think about her without tears clouding my eyes, and anger gripping my soul.
This place is new.
I can’t ever remember being in this place before. A place where my heart was okay (for lack of a better word) with my daughter being in Heaven. And okay that she died.
This place is new.
This place makes me uncomfortable too.
This place almost makes me afraid I will never cry again.
This place makes grief look too easy.
I know it’s not easy. Grief is anything but easy.
Grief is hard work.
And maybe this is it. The internal struggle to understand the good days, and the bad days. I hesitated to write this, but this has been on my heart.
Right after losing Jenna I actually hated reading posts like this. I thought, I will NEVER be there, and I don’t want to EVER be there. And then I’d click away because I could not relate, and because they stung a little too. If you are there, I get it. I really really do.
I’m still trying to make sense of it.
But these good days also make me wonder if this is a calm before the storm. I keep wondering if her third birthday will be it.
I can’t allow myself to live in fear though anymore. Fear has stolen so much friends. So so much.
This place… it’s a good place.
I can’t let fear take that.
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. -2 Timothy 1:7
Thank you for writing this, even though you hesitated. This gives me hope. Because part of what I am grieving is the death of my joy. This past year, starting about the time that we found out we were pregnant with Eve, has been the best year of my life BY FAR. I’m nearly 30, and the previous years have been scarred with abuse, depression, and the ravages of an eating disorder, to name only a few horrible things. When my life blossomed (by God’s hand) into joy and healing and radiance — it was amazing. I hadn’t thought it was possible. I rejoiced everyday.
When Eve died, all that came crashing down. It is too hard — to lose my daughter AND my joy and peace. I don’t know if I will ever feel that again. But I know that if I do, it will be all the sweeter because of the pain. Because of my daughter, and because my daughter is dead.
I want to be joyful again. I want to be pregnant again, to hold another baby of my own in my arms. To take that baby home and watch him/her grow up and grow old. I know that my joy is not dependent on having more children…but it would certainly help. And I know that having more children will not “solve” or “fix” my grief.
Anyway, I can’t say where I’m going with this anymore. I just wanted you to know that, in spite of the horror of our baby girls dying, we may have joy again. I’m glad that you have come to this place. I know that Jenna wants it for you, and that she is joyful with and for you.
All that to say — thank you. xoxo
Beth recently posted..They Don’t Know
Beth you are so right, part of what we grieve is our joy. Praying so much that you find that lost joy. And I believe you will find it, even more deeply and more richly than ever before.
May God bring a beautiful sweet rainbow baby into your lives xoxo
Lots of love-
Franchesca recently posted..This Place
I am so happy for you! I smile, my heart smiles when I see people making this transition of sorts. There will be more storms I can assure you and that makes THIS place even more special. Take it all in, you are healing. And that is not a bad thing.
Side note- I have this verse on my personal page of favorite quotes. Your post is the 2nd I have seen tonight of this verse. Obviuosly my babies are once again using my friends to tell me a story. I am listening my dears! Thank you Fran for passing on their message. S
Oh that is so neat that you saw this twice last night!! :) Thank you so much Stephanie for your kind and encouraging words. You are so right too, the storms is what makes this place so much more meaningful.
xoxo
Franchesca recently posted..This Place
Love this , written so well.
{{{{{Hugs}}}}} <3
Caroline recently posted..Changes Never
Thank you for sharing this. It’s simply beautiful.
gives me hope.
thank you for writing this.
<3
I hope one day to find that place.
Finding My New Normal recently posted..There’s Still Time
This is beautiful Franchesca. I think I see glimmers of this place myself but I do struggle terribly with the guilt that you describe so perfectly, swallowing up the day. Thinking of you as you approach Jenna’s birthday, your little girl is remembered and missed xo
Catherine W recently posted..Joining in
Thank you so much Catherine, for always remembering our Jenna. That is wonderful that you are seeing glimmers of ‘this place’. I hope that guilt can leave your heart in peace.
Sending you big (((hugs)))
Franchesca recently posted..This Place
So many words I nodded in such agreement with…especially those blogs where people were here and I also thought I’d never be there and really didn’t want to. It sort of felt fake, unbelievable it could ever be like that again. Yet… It is. So many days, it is. Beautiful post, friend. Beautiful!
Fake! That is exactly what I would think too! Oh my, how that only seems like yesterday and 100 years ago at the same time!!
What an incredible journey.. :)
Franchesca recently posted..This Place
That place is such a tough one to be in. I’m coming up on my little guy’s 4th birthday and the funk is creeping in. I’m tired of this funk but in a way I welcome it. I know my heart, mind and body have not forgotten. You will cry again and that’s a good thing. Enjoy this place and enjoy the sunshine. I’ve really enjoyed your writing and all the amazing stuff you’re doing to honor Jenna’s life and her memory
Thank you so much Kara. I hope your son’s birthday is filled with so much peace, and joy. You are so right, no matter where we are mentally and emotionally we could never forget.
sending big love to you xx
Franchesca recently posted..This Place
I love your post today! I think that I must be at a place that is somewhere in the middle of it all. Someday’s I’m ok and I think to myself “I can totally do this, I feel great, I miss and love my Caroline like crazy, but I’m ok today” and then I wake in the middle of the night having terrifying flashbacks to the night when she was born too soon and I’m shaking and crying. I can only hope and pray that as the years continue to go by my feelings will gently shift more to the “I’m ok today” side of things.
Lots of love to you today ! xoxox
Hillary recently posted..A Post For Mimi!
Hoping the same for you too Hillary. Praying those hard times become farther and farther apart xoxo
Franchesca recently posted..This Place
I am glad you have found this place. ((HUGS))
This post really touched me. I’m so glad that you’ve found that place of peace. I know your daughter would want that for you. I hope I can get there someday too. xo
dejah recently posted..pain
I’m in that place where I’m “ok” w/ it. Grief steps in but I still have my joy. We’re approaching Carleigh’s third in 2 mos and I am feeling grief more than usual but I know it’s only part of the journey.
Holly recently posted..Meeting Our Babies
Beautifully written….
Meg recently posted..The Real World
You always wright what I am feeling. I am glad that you are here Fran:)
Stephanie recently posted..The Little Things (The Way I See It)
After working all weekend, I finally got a chance to catch up on blogs. This was beautiful. Sometimes it seems harder to write about joy then sorrow; sometimes joy seems like we’re forgetting. But we know that isn’t true, and this type of joy and love mends our hearts and probably makes our memories that more important because we can see them a different way. Instead of crying over what we lost we can smile at what we had.
Amanda recently posted..Too heavy for this brain…
exactly. so so true. to smile at what we had :)
Franchesca recently posted..The Little Things…
I am in this same place right now, Fran. I feel as if I could have written this. And though it feels good to be healing, it almost makes me feel a little guilty, like maybe I don’t love Lily like I once did. I know that is ridiculous. And I too remember seeing posts of women “moving on” after their losses, and I too thought “that will never be me.” It almost seemed like they were dishonoring or forgetting. But, no, now I get it. We move on, but we never, ever forget. We are who we are today because of our sweet babies and we will never, ever be the same. And I wouldn’t want to be. We will carry them with us forever. And their names and memory will never die…
Oh the guilt! I feel it too at times, but like you said in the end, we will never ever be the same, and we are who we are today because of these precious babies. Sending big hugs to you!!
xxxx
Franchesca recently posted..Valentine’s Day Tulle Hearts
I get this post to the very very tips of me. Thank you. xo
Angie recently posted..light rain
you so beautifully express what i am so scared to say out loud. i dare not think it, let alone utter it with my lips.
i am struggling right now… emotional, sad, emotional, cranky, emotional… have i mentioned emotional? and yet really, in my heart of hearts, i am okay. i am really okay. and i don’t quite know how i feel about that.
thank you for being transparent. i’m glad i’m not the only one that is okay… i’m afraid that people will think that somehow this loss is easy or that my missing and yearning for him is any less.
such a mess in my mind sometimes! blessed be the name of our merciful Heavenly Father. (and i know this has been so rambly, but i know you understand that part of it all too, my friend.)
MarshaMarshaMarsha recently posted..2012-2013 Homeschool Curriculum
Oh yes. I do get feeling a hundred emotions (and strong ones at that) at one time. I feel like I will explode somedays. I am so glad you are feeling okay, and hope that peace just sweeps over you, without the guilt. I think that is the hardest part. I feel it somedays, like lately it has to do with being so so happy about having another girl, and almost afraid Jenna will be forgotten. Grief is relentless.
Sending big hugs to you my friend!
Xoxoxo
I read this in a book about Abraham Lincoln and the loss of three of his children. It really helps me when I think that life will never get better.
Abraham Lincoln saw a beloved nation torn apart with war and his personal life town apart with the deaths of three children: Edward, age 4, William, 11, and Thomas, who was 18. He wrote this:
“In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all….
It comes with bitterest agony…
Perfect relief is not possible, except with time.
You cannot realize now that you will ever feel better…
And yet this is a mistake.
You are sure to be happy again.
To know this, which is certainly true,
Will make you become less miserable now.
I have experienced enough to know what I say.”
-Abraham Lincoln
I. love. this. <3 thank you so much for sharing. I think there is so much truth is really believing that it does get better.