When You Lose a Baby

You don’t know what to expect.

People surround you. For a couple of weeks. Making sure you are not going to kill yourself, refuse to get out of bed, or start rocking a baby doll like the crazy lady they heard about from a friend.

You get lots of sympathy cards, clearly written and designed to be sent to console a daughter losing her father. Not the other way around.

You get free baby formula in the mail. For months and months and months.

And free baby magazines. And free baby coupons.

You secretly envy every pregnant woman. But not without a tinge of guilt, because you know all too well that she might be one in four- expecting her rainbow child.

It seems like the whole world is expecting a baby.

You have baby stuff around your home. Because you never imagined you wouldn’t need it.

You feel jarred. In the grocery store. At a birthday party. At the dinner table. At Christmas. Driving.

The baby you never knew, but lost changes every part of your life. Every. single. part.

Forever.

You see baby clothes and it brings tears to your eyes.

You get sick and tired of crying. You never knew it was possible to cry this much.

You find yourself angry at God. Angry at yourself. Just angry.

You sware you can feel them kick but they’re gone. They call them phantom kicks. I call them painful, all kinds of painful. But sweet too.

You know, or you have a strong feeling of knowing what your child would have looked like, and been like. You see a child in the store, or on the street. Their hair color, dimples, smile, their personality and suddenly you are reminded of your child. You miss your child even more, if that’s even possible.

Your Babies R’ Us Registry is still active. There is no delete button on their site. The babies r’ us people don’t make a dime on people like us. Why bother right? You have to call them, plead with them to remove your freaking’ registry, because there will be no baby shower. There is an awkward silence. There is sadness. There will be no baby.

You get hospital bills about 3-4 months after you buried your child. You have to pay for the baby you delivered but didn’t bring home.

You find that moment of happiness in life for the first time, but the guilt swallows it up almost immediately.

You remember the size of the casket. The size of the plot. The face of the funeral director. The expression of those that attended the funeral. The feeling of raw pain, like your chest has literally been ripped open.

Somehow you convince yourself that you deserve happiness. Because you really do. But in the happiest, purest moment, there is still that hole that only they were meant to fill.

People compare your pain to their own pain. The loss of their grandmother, husband, their failed marriage, rebellious teenagers. Somehow this comparing leaves you stranded. If they can compare their pain of a situation to the loss of your BABY, they will likely never get it. Babies are not supposed to die. End of story.

You lost a dream. And it almost feels like you imagined their entire existence up. Their name becomes a distant memory on the lips of others.

There is awkwardness when you talk about your child in a crowd. No one knows whether to cry, walk away or pretend you never brought him or her up.

You lose friends. You find new ones.

You can’t believe that women have actually survived this and you never knew about it. Not really, anyway.

You would do anything for another minute with your child.

You cry when others bring up your child, not so much because it hurts but more so because it such a precious and rare gift.

You long for the rewind button, even after many many instances of acceptance.

You want to know what went wrong, and why…

You find a new appreciation for moments in life that make you laugh… you laugh harder and love stronger.

You know that you can die bitter, or die thankful. There is no in between.

You never ever, EVER get over your child. The one you hoped for, prayed for, carried and loved for the weeks and months they were with you.

You learn to live with the pain.

You are better for having known them at all.

*for child loss resources click here.

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Comments

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    Beautiful.
    Finding My New Normal recently posted..A Great Idea, Thanks To You!My Profile

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    Janet says:

    I lost my son Sept. 13, 2010. He was 23 months old. He passed away from SMA (Spinal Muscular Atrophy). I felt like I had written this piece. The pain never seems to leave. After a year I can now sometimes look at small children at stores. Michael’s face however comes to mind almost every day in sometimes akward momemts and I feel that I need to run away and cry my eyes out.

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    Fran, this is probably one of the BEST posts you’ve written. Not that the others aren’t great, its just that this one speaks to so many.
    “You know that you can die bitter, or die thankful. There is no in between.” This has been my motto. I made the choice to live again…it was either that, or die right along with her and I knew I couldn’t do that. Thank you for writing this…

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    Natasha says:

    Thank you for sharing this….all of what you’ve written here is so true. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday that we lost Aiden. Still continues to break my heart.

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    Melanie says:

    Fran,
    This was so good for me to read how you felt when you lost sweet Jenna. A friend of mine lost her baby this year and has asked that we don’t talk to her about it. It helps me to see her perspective a bit better and know how I can prayer for her and you.

    Love, Mel
    Melanie recently posted..Restless Blog Hop and a little about meMy Profile

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    leanne says:

    Thank you for reposting this.

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    jessi says:

    You have so eloquently put into words the exact feelings i think we all feel after losing a baby. Thank you for writing your heart. I know God is using you to encourage women who have lost. I know you have encouraged me today.
    jessi recently posted..Cilantro is 4889 and other random musings from the weekMy Profile

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    Hillary says:

    I love this post so much. I want to forward it to everyone I know so they will finally know and maybe understand the woman and mother I am today. So many people try so hard to understand and I hope that they never will be able to. To understand is to have faced loss.

    Would it be ok if I re-posted this someday on my blog with credit back to you?

    xoxox
    Hillary recently posted..Griffin Is 4 Months!My Profile

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    Beth says:

    Yes. Yes to all of it. And this is only the beginning, for me.
    Beth recently posted..{Sad Hope Songs} “Beautiful Things” by GungorMy Profile

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    Stephanie says:

    Ditto. At least we all know we are not alone in this, or crazy.
    Stephanie recently posted..Something NEW~ Art MagnetsMy Profile

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    dejah says:

    Wow, amazing post. This is exactly how I feel! Thank you for putting it into words so others can understand the pain we carry with us.
    dejah recently posted..i will never be the sameMy Profile

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    Mackenzie hunter says:

    This is exactly how I feel! I’m glad to know that I’m not alone in this though….. Even though I feel like I am sometimes. Your words really helped.

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    Jessica says:

    I agree with a previous commenter that this is one of your best posts ever. Every line rings so true.
    Jessica recently posted..With HeartMy Profile

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    Ruth says:

    Every line of this piece rings true to me. The day my son died, I swear I saw him still breathing. Reminding myself that he was not alive anymore was the worst conversation I’ve ever had with myself.

    Thank you for sharing..*hugs*
    Ruth recently posted..Six monthsMy Profile

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    I think this is the best post I’ve ever read. It speaks volumes about our grief and this whole “healing” process. Thank you for sharing.
    Crystal Stephens recently posted..6 MonthsMy Profile

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    val says:

    Amazing.thank you. That post is perfect.

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    nevaeh's mommy says:

    its so amazing to me how we all share this bond of heartbrokenest and pain…wish life was diffrent for us all…Thankful for God’s gift of Hope…
    Love you fran so very much and so thankful God gave me you :)

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    DeborahJoy says:

    I’m with all the other mummies who have already posted…. these could have been my words, except that you formed them so much better than I could have done.
    It’s all so true – and so painful.
    In a strange sort of way it’s helpful for me to have this connection – to remind myself that I’m not alone.
    Thank you – Deborah
    DeborahJoy recently posted..winterMy Profile

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    Angie says:

    You have said it so perfectly here. Thank you for reposting this. I would also love to share this on my blog, of course giving you credit and a link back to you, if that’s okay.

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    Holly says:

    Great post. i know many of us can relate
    Holly recently posted..February BabiesMy Profile

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    Jessea says:

    thank you for being so candid. I have a sister in law that went thru the birth of her child..only hours later her little girl passed away. thank you again for being so brave to share with us who have not walked this path..so we can come to understand a little of the pain you walk with. i want to comfort and love her no matter what she walks thru and feels in the months to come.
    Jessea recently posted..Mom Walk Challenge.My Profile

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    Shannon says:

    This post is so beautiful. I cannot relate to the pain, but was still moved to tears. Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of you.

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    Angie says:

    This is a beautifully honest post about our grief. I wish every person we came in contact with could read this.
    xo
    Angie recently posted..love letterMy Profile

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    Lisa says:

    I agree, one of your best posts ever. You put it into words so wonderfully.
    Lisa recently posted..Selective MemoryMy Profile

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    Jess says:

    So sad and beautiful, and every word so heartbreakingly true for all of us who have walked this road. Thank you for giving words to the cry of so many of our hearts.

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    Nicole says:

    This is beyond beautiful & so true.

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    Thankyou for sharing this, and sharing your pain. Thankyou.
    Wendy Murnane recently posted..Joel’s hairMy Profile

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    Heidi says:

    This one went right to the heart. Thanks for pouring it out there!
    Heidi recently posted..StrugglingMy Profile

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    sapphire says:

    This is so true to what people do. People are still so scared to talk to me about my angel and its been nearly 8yrs now.

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    Stefanie says:

    You took the words right from my own thoughts. This is beautifully written, one of my favorite posts! Thank you for writing this.
    Stefanie recently posted..Just another dayMy Profile

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    Brandy says:

    Oh heavens, yes. This entire thing resonated with me.

    “You cry when others bring up your child, not so much because it hurts but more so because it such a precious and rare gift.”

    This is so important. I wish everyone knew. I wish I could shout it from the rooftops, but the problem is, people will still avoid the topic of our children because of how uncomfortable it makes THEM feel.

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    Tiffany says:

    All I can say is Thank you!!!! Thank you!! Thank you!!! Its as if you looked into the heart of parents everywhere that have lost a child and beautifully put into words what we are feeling. We lost our daughter 2.4.09… I can relate to EVERYTHING that you wrote in this post. Absolutly amazing! Thank you again and again!!

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    Charity says:

    I had a normal pregnancy and no complications of any kind, we lost our son, Landen Riley Keith when he was 4 days old due to a Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome and it came out of left field. This feels like someone read my mind and my heart I can relate to every part of it Thank you so much for sharing <3

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    Leslie says:

    Thank you for this… so much.

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    Janna says:

    Thank you for writing this. It is beautiful. My sweet Thomas was 15 weeks old when he passed away from a heart defect. He has a twin brother that is a joy and also a reminder of the little boy I am missing. We had our 1 year anniversary of his death in December and when you wrote, “it almost feels like you imagined their entire existence up” I feel that way. Was he really here? Was there that brief time that I had two sons? I am choosing joy, but it is a daily struggle and honestly, my daily drive comes from my son and my 6 year old daughter. They are the reason I get up and keep going. thank you for sharing this.

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    Buckley says:

    This is the most accurate description of what it feels like to be an Angel Mom/BLM that I have ever read!! You have an amazing way with words!! Thank you for putting it into words for all of us.

    I am sorry that we all share this “new type of life.”
    xoxoxo
    Buckley recently posted..Belle’s Creative CraftsMy Profile

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    Meghan says:

    This broke my heart. I don’t know if to cry, or if to be happy because YOU know the pain I feel. No one else does, and I feel so alone. I lost my baby at 15/16 weeks in October. It NEVER gets easier.
    I cannot relate to a funeral. Or the hospital. I lost her at home, in my bathroom. I didn’t have insurance and didn’t know what to do with her. There was NO way I could “dispose” of her. My options were trash and flushing. My daughter did not deserve that. I did not deserve that! I called a friend of mine who is a nurse and she took her. I don’t know what happened, and I prefer it that way. She was my baby girl, and I want to remember her how I remember her, not where she MIGHT be.

    I love this so much, I just cannot even express the amount of love I have for you at this moment. THIS is why I am a new follower.

    xoxo Meghan <3
    http://www.strugglingcyster.blogspot.com
    Meghan recently posted..Life is complicated…My Profile

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    Chantal October says:

    Well said. If ever there was a way to describe how I feel or felt……….this is exactly it. I really can relate.

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    Margarita says:

    Thank you for writing such a beautiful, expressing piece. You have managed to capture all our thoughts and feelings, and at the same time – you have comforted us all. I hope one day I can be as inspiring to other loss moms as you have been to me. <3

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    Tabatha Dinger says:

    I swear it felt like you were reading my heart. Like it was just an open book. Time does nothing more then place a band aid on the the open wound in my heart. Thank you for bringing the tears to my eyes and reminding my Angel Lani in heavens sky.

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    ♥ yes, yes, yes, and yes. many times over.
    crystal theresa recently posted..The 5th Belongs to Calvin: In My Heart GiveawaysMy Profile

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    Heather Denove says:

    Thank you so much for posting this. I felt like I was reading my pain and exactly how I feel. We lost our little girl at 25 months pregnant. And it is so hard to relay to people how you feel. I would love to re post this on my blog and give you credit and link back to here.

    Thanks
    Heather

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    Sandra says:

    Yes, it’s like you’ve been in my head and my heart…this is how i felt…feel… My twin boys were born on Dec 11th 2008, at only 24 weeks. We lost Mason, our first born after 6 hours and then after 40 unbelievable days, our little star Cole slipped away. Thank you for posting this…I would love to share it if you don’t mind…

    Thanks,

    Sandra

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    mtdove says:

    you got it exactly right. just everything and every feeling on the dot. grief, if possible, captured in words. we lost our daughter in utero when she was 8 months along. our first pregnancy, firstborn. my husband deployed to kuwait for 15 months 3 weeks later. i remember the phantom kicks days after i gave birth to her. it was such a quiet delivery, no celebratory cries of a newborn, just out and gone. holding your little one and thinking if i just hold her long enough she’ll come back, right? I can see her now, it will be ok! but there is no magic reawakening. gwendolyn lives in us everyday. she helps me stop, calm down, and be the mom her two brothers now need in their lives, when tantrums of 2 year olds and frustrations abound. her brothers will never replace her. nothing will. but we will ALWAYS have her. and nobody can take my beautiful daughter away from us again. I am sorry for your own loss, and those of the other commentors on your amazing post. But our children are obviously not forgotten and never will be when brave moms like you aren’t afraid to share their lives with others.

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    Jen says:

    Exactly, perfectly written. Thank you.

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    Jennifer says:

    I saw your blog post on FB and read it – it’s like you have been living in my head and heart for the last 5 years since my son was stillborn. Your words are amazing and I thank you that you had the strength to write them and share them. Your post made me feel not so alone.

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    Mary says:

    Could have written every. single. word. Hauntinly, horribly, beautiful.

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    Joleen says:

    I do not know how one can get through losing a child. It is my greatest fear that my oldest daughter had gone through with her second son. I didn’t know what to do for her–all I wanted to do was to take that pain upon myself, even to this day. As a Mother and Grandmother I cannot fix it. Little Liam will never be forgotten-even with my daughter’s siblings. They will only have the pictures of him right after his birth and the gorgeous picture of his precious little body in his casket along with pictures my daughter and her Husband take of Liam’s grave on his birthday and Christmas. I am not sure how long that will last due to being in the military. I cannot imagine having to leave a place where your child is buried.
    Joleen recently posted..Saying Goodbye to Google Friend ConnectMy Profile

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    Karin says:

    I could have written your every word. It saddens me to see how many other baby loss moms are out there, and yet it comforts me to know I’m not alone. Thank you for your post!

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    Lauren says:

    sweet friend this is amazing. Thank you for sharing this and speaking exactly what so many of us feel. This is just beautiful, raw, honest, and real. Like so many others have already said – I could have written this same post (minus a few of the more specific details of course.) I love you and I love your heart. I will be sharing this.
    Lauren recently posted..Opportunities to play a part.My Profile

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    Jeni Herrera says:

    I should not have read this 5 days after coming home with our new baby daughter..too many active hormones. We lost our first daughter, Ava, she was born Feb 28th 2009 at 25 1/2 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia after having a dream pregnancy with no complications until the minute they delivered her by emergency c-section. She live a glorious 6 days and died of a blood clot to the heart in my husband’s arms. We had a healthy son/pregnancy in 2010 and now with our new daughter, just born last Thurdsay. What REALLY get me is people think that our other 2 blessings erase the pain of losing our first one..especially now we have another healthy baby girl..but you NEVER stop loving or missing the first baby you lost. There is no comparrison. She was her own person, another part of my heart, and people don’t understand why I still grieve for her after having 2 healthy babies. Thank you for writing exactley how you feel in this hard time. I will kiss my 2 beautiful babies and send all my love above to the one who is gone, but never ever will be forgotten,

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    I love this. I just had my second missed miscarriage on 11/30/11 at 9-1/2 weeks. The week before, baby had a heartbeat and it looked so strong on the screen. I do have 3 kids before the first miscarriage and 3 between the second miscarriage. Both times, I got the same response from friends and family… “you should be grateful you already have the ones you do have”, “you should just focus on the ones you have”. It’s like a slap in the face. You have put into words what I could not. I can’t imagine losing a child that I gave birth too. I know with my babies I have lost inutero is still so very hard. Losing the hopes, dreams, and just the excitement of planning for everything… people don’t understand. Every year on the anniversary of their passing I remind people, and also on the day I was due. They are a part of me and my life. Sometimes others make me feel weird for doing so but it’s what is on my heart and I will speak of them. Thank you Franchesca for your heart.
    Salena Lee @ A Little Piece of Me recently posted..10 Things I’d Rather Do Besides ChoresMy Profile

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    Sending lots of love to all the mamas (and dads) who have ever lost a baby. Thank you for this thought provoking post xoxo
    Crystal – Prenatal Coach recently posted..Preconception Health & Fertility: What Your Doctor Didn’t Tell YouMy Profile

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    Jen says:

    Bless you for having the courage and strength to write this post. Every word is painfully the truth. I must add one thing. I had so many people tell me that I was still young and had lots of time to have more children. I was grieving my children, my babies, and they were real…in my heart and in my womb. They deserved to be grieved for and not brushed aside because I could still have more babies. At the time those words were hurtful, but now I can understand they only had good intention. It wasn’t their fault, they didn’t and couldn’t understand my pain. I had stillborn twin boys at 32 weeks. What a beautiful day it will be when I will be able to hold them in my arms again, this time in the Lord’s amazing home where it will all be perfect. I now have 3 beautiful children who know about their brothers in heaven and love them too. We all feel the loss of a child differently, but knowing that someone else understands the pain helps. Thank you. <3 Tyler and Isaac , June 30th, 2001

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    Penny says:

    I lost my firstborn, my only son, 25 years ago. He lived for 5 days and died from a heart defect. Reading what you wrote brought back every emotion. What you wrote could have been written by me. I remember the diaper service being delivered the morning after he died. I will never forget the look on the poor delivery mans face as my husband told him we would not be needing the service, our baby had died. I remember the phone ringing the week after the funeral,it was the funeral home they needed some piece of information. I had a fleeting thought that they were going to tell me there had been a mistake, they had my baby, safe and sound. The list goes on and on. Even 25 years later it can come right back. Thank you for this post. I am so sorry you were able to write it though.

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    gina toothe says:

    Fran, even after 17 years i can relate to everything on this post. thank you for the accidental posting. Would u mind if i shared on my page Angels of the Heart? i know this would help others. a bereaved parent needs validation that what they are going through is normal, that they are not alone. i feel everyone, babyloss person or not could benefit from this post. At the same time, how sad it is that anyone has to read it, that babyloss occurs, that babies are dying before their time. but if anyone can tell it like it is from the heart, it is you Fran <3

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    Crystal Pettibone says:

    I love this. Sadly it’s all true. The word I like to use for things such as this is Bittersweet. And boy is everything Bittersweet even after 3 years. I’m one of the lucky 3 that have a rainbow baby girl but it does not change the fact that I loved and wanted my son. Were getting married in may and its hard not to think about the fact that my son should be the ring bearer but he wont, he should be here to dance with his sister but he wont. There are so many things that should be everyday but will never be. People who have not been In Our place have no idea that nothing can or will be as it should have been. That someone will always be missing from everything.

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    Caroline says:

    Spot on. I wish you didn’t know how to articulate this so well. And wish I (and all the other mommies commenting) didn’t know how true your words really are.

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      Julie Smith says:

      i agree… its sad so many know =( i remember my doctor said “if i could ask God one thing, it wouldnt be how to cure this disease or that disease, but why does this happen to babies?” from that point on, i couldnt have chosen a better doctor.
      Julie Smith recently posted..the girl behind the blog vlogMy Profile

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    Ali says:

    Thank you for writing this. Someone re-posted it in a forum I read and I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve re-blogged it too (of course giving you all the credit). Please let me know via email if you’d prefer I removed it from my blog. Thank you for sharing such honest words!
    Ali recently posted..Pregnancy Loss in a NutshellMy Profile

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    Larisa says:

    This post speaks volumes! I lost my son, Aiden, one year ago when I was six months pregnant. It is a pain like no other and something no one else should ever have to go through! Thank you for so eloquently writing down the reality of our days. The big and little things that can be painful, healing, and overwhelming. I will be sharing this post with others.

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    Alyssa Carter says:

    Thank you so much for putting into words what us grieving mothers go through. I will be linking on fb! Thank you again so much for sharing!

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    Rhonda says:

    thanks for this. I know those of us who have experienced (and continue to experience) this pain would never wish it on another but sometimes wish others understood it a little better.

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    So perfectly stated. I’ve been doing grief support work for a number of years now…in addition to being mom to two who run and one who flies (who would have been 8 in 2 weeks)…and everything here is virtually universal to this journey. So simple. So painful. Beautifully captured. Thank you for sharing.
    missfoundation.org

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    christina says:

    thankyou for a beautiful piece. It so puts into words what I felt and continue to feel after our Jeremiah grew his wings on 9th May 2010. …another grew his wings on 26th Sept 2010…..but Im also thankful for our rainbow baby

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    beautifully written, and so true
    Angela (Toucan Scraps) recently posted..Pregnancy LossMy Profile

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    Tricia Forsythe says:

    So beyond true exactly they way I feel just couldn’t put it into words. Thank YOU

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    Michelle says:

    Love you Fran! <3 Jenna <3

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    Beautifully written and brought me to tears. It speaks the truth like only one who has been there can. Thanks for sharing this. My Quinn and Trace will never be forgotten, but it pains and saddens me that NO ONE ever speaks their names. It is like they want us to forget, or feel like it will be more painful if they bring it up. As if I am not thinking of them every day already.
    FindingANewNormal recently posted..One YearMy Profile

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    Mommyof5oneangel says:

    This was absolutely right on all that I thought and felt and feel.
    Thank you for sharing.
    Always remember my Evan and thank God for the 40 weeks I had with him.
    ((HUGS))

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    sherrina says:

    Thanks for posting this. I lost my dear sweet Mason this past October. He was 9 months old and died of SIDS.

    I am hurting now that we have passed what would have been his 1st birthday last month. It’s not that day in particular, in fact its not the holidays we missed this winter-in fact every “allows” you to be sad those days. IT IS EVERYDAY. I miss coming home to him, smelling him, nursing him, seeing him smile, seeing him with my husband EVERY MOMENT of EVERY DAY. SO tired of hearing how well I am doing when I cry and scream myself to self EVERY NIGHT. I cry as I pass the hospital where I held his lifeless body that day. I ache for him. I want to be with him, and don’t understand this punishment. I am angry.
    All I can do, in my very few and fleeting moments of hope and clarity, is pray that I can live again for the both of us.

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    Kim Ellis says:

    Thank you for putting this down in writing for all to see. You hit the nail on the head. And it is so hard to describe to anyone who hasn’t gone through it….even my husband. I’m so sorry that we are all in this situation, but glad that we all have the courage to share our thoughts to help others dealing with the same situation.

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    Megan Rayment says:

    Thanks for this post. 15 1/2 years later and there are days when it still hurts almost as much as day 1, or 10, or 100. But there are many, many days where you know they are in your heart and life can be sweet again.

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    Caroline says:

    Wow! You said it all! What an incredible post – it was like reading my own thoughts.
    Caroline recently posted..Thank youMy Profile

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    Heather says:

    You have said everything that I’ve been thinking. I could of written this myself. Thank you for putting to words to something I can’t find words to. Every bit of it is true.

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    Priya says:

    This post touched my heart, probably because I knew how it felt, personally. Until i conceived i had not idea abt this part of life. People in Indian community usually dont disclose their pregnancy losses, even the dear ones never kept us informed until it happened.
    We lost our baby last summer to neural tube defect during the 5th month. It is true the grief stays with u forever…
    Priya recently posted..Love is in the airMy Profile

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      Margarita says:

      Hi Priya, I am so sorry for your loss. My husband is from India, and we also have a lot of friends there. Recently, one of my close friends had a stillbirth. I wanted to try to help them since I just experienced the same thing a few months back. They told me that they didn’t name the baby and that because she was never “alive” outside of the womb, they don’t consider it a life. This is so heartbreaking for me to understand. I am still trying to help him and his wife through the pain.

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    Olga R. says:

    My son was stillborn at full term on 09/23/95. Your post is perfect. I completely agreed/felt everything you said and we don’t even know eachother. Thank you.

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    Melissa says:

    This was beatlutifull written and extremely accurate to all of the feelings I felt. Lost my full term son 3.5 years ago during labor. Have since had two beautiful children. I wish I had your words to pass out during that time so that others might have the slightest clue about what life is like when you lose a child.

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    breann chester says:

    I lost my daughter the day I delivered on January 10, 2012. We were going in to deliver and induce my labor and whenever they hooked up the monitor…no heart beat. I had been to the Dr a few days before and she was fine. Idk what went wrong. Her name was Ally Blake’Lynne Nicole Chester 9 pounds 4 ounces 21″ long born at 7:45 p.m. January 10 2012. This is exactly how I feel! I love reading it. Especially all about people trying to compare their loss of a family member to the loss of a innocent child. Children are not meant to go before their parents. I know its selfish saying I want her here but I can’t help it. I know she’s our beautiful angel and is watching us and is in a perfect place but I want her here with us. Great job on writing this! Love it.

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    breann chester says:

    tHank you franchesca this post is EXACTLY how I feel I’ve probably read it 10 times since my friend sent me the link at 10. Very encouraging to know there are lots of women who know how I’m feeling. Makes me reassure myself I’m not crazy for feeling this way.

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    angie says:

    WOW you nailed it with this! So many people check up on you AT First.. Then the phone calls fade away. I have lost so many friends in the last four months and made so many more.

    Your right people shouldn’t compare their loss to yours (ours) it’s not fair unless they have lost a baby. I’m going to rt this to all my followers as well on my facebook . *linking back to you of course*

    I feel so horrible that moms of angels have to get hospital bills in the mail. In Canada at least I’m blessed with not having to face that . Getting the receipt for Leia’s Urn was hard enough.

    Thanks for saying all of this. hugs

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    breann chester says:

    I finally told the hospital to stop calling and I know my little angel baby ally saw mommy upset from it all because very randomly my husband’s insurance through work paid the entire bill in full. I know my angels taking care of me and my family. It’s awful how we all have lost someone so innocent and precious. I’m just so thankful to know I’m not alone and all of you cab say “I know how you feel” and really mean it

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    Cassie D. says:

    Thank you so much. I totally agree about everything here. I shared it in hopes that it not only helps family and friends understand but that other friends who have lost babies can also know and understand. I’ve lost two baby boys, they will always be my boys, always be with me. Thanks.

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    Bethany says:

    Beautiful! I needed to read this today. I am having a rough week. It has been almost 6 months since my twin girls Lily and Zoe where born sleeping. I am trying to find my new normal.

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    Caroline says:

    ‘You know that you can die bitter or die grateful. There is no in between.’

    You so put it into words… we had 20 glorious minutes with our daughter, my third child and only daughter, for which I will always be eternally grateful. We spent months after the diagnosis of a condition incompatible with life at 16 weeks gestation, waiting to miscarry and, as she continued to hold on, to deliver her stillborn. She was our miracle and she changed our lives forever for the better. She came and went so peacefully – she knew we needed to meet her, we knew we had to let her go.
    We are so privileged that we live in London UK
    , and had all of our ante and post natal care, and our Caesarean Section, (a full week in hospital before delivery and 5 days after) delivered by the National Health Service, with no cost to us. We also had no charges for the cremation service as the undertaker refused to accept payment. I can’t begin to imagine the stress of having outstanding bills in addition to everything else.

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    Elegantly written. Thank you so much for sharing.
    Kevin Burdick
    Babyheadstones.org
    Kevin Burdick recently posted..All About DempseyMy Profile

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    kimberly says:

    This made me tear up… It is wonderful. Thank you. It is like someone took all the emotions I couldn’t explain and put them into a well written explaination.

    http://Www.Facebook.com/carterskidney

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    Julie Smith says:

    its been 10 years for me this march…my sweet naomi renee…. and when i read something like this, the memories and pain is still just as fresh, without as many tears. this was beautiful. *hugs*
    Julie Smith recently posted..the girl behind the blog vlogMy Profile

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    chloe says:

    i have thought everyone u put here. i could have written this myself.

    if only this was given to friends and family when we lost our charlie.

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    Grandmothers suffer too. We not only have the loss of the child himself, but we are at a loss to comfort our own child (daughter-in-law) who we love so much. We feel like we should have been able to step in and DO SOMETHING, we never get an explanation of what went wrong but somehow feel responsible for allowing this to happen to our child and grandchild. The memory of standing outside the delivery room that awful morning is there when I awaken even now, three years later. I can hear the heart monitor and hear the anguished cries of my daughter and son as the call of time of death is made…. all as I begin to drift out of slumber. It colors that day, I have to call upon my God to give me strength and give me hope to be able to continue on as I struggle to get out of bed. You are right, people don’t know what to say when you tell you them we have three grandchildren, one of which has passed, but hopeful for the one on the way….
    It is mind-boggling to me that we live in a time where you really wouldn’t expect this to happen in any way shape or form. Especially for no apparent reason. We mothers (grandmothers) endure our own kind of suffering because we really don’t know what to tell our daughter… we don’t know HOW to ‘make it all better’. We, too, feel that we have somehow, failed.

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      Franchesca Franchesca says:

      Oh that is incredibly true Deborah, and thank you for highlighting this. In my own experience the grandparents (my parents and his parents) speak of our loss at a bare minimum, perhaps it is too painful. But it is refreshing (for lack of a better word) to hear another grandparent speak openly about the pain from their standpoint. Thank you.

      I can only imagine that the pain is two fold. I am sorry this post could resonate with you at all, and for the loss of your precious grandchild.

      -fran
      Franchesca recently posted..Guest Post – Katelyn from Inner VisionMy Profile

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    Amanda says:

    I personally have never lost a child, I did however lose my Godson almost 1 year ago. I have tried to be there for his mother in every way possible, to listen when she needs me to, to change the subject (she asked) sometimes when she needs redirection, just to be there. I did all I could in the early days and beyond from organizing fund raising to running interference when well meaning or misinformed people said or did the wrong thing, to bathing her younger sons when she could not bear to even look at a bath tub. I loaned her my shower since it had no tub attached, drove her to appointments, covered for her when she dropped the ball on things most people take for granted. I did this while my own heart was shattered, but I knew that it was my place to be strong for her… even in the darkest moments like the moment Nick was wheeled into surgery so that in his death he could give the gift of life to others.
    Even though Nick was not an infant or toddler he was and is still his mothers baby and the loss still very great. I wanted to thank you for posting this because it helps those of us on the sidelines yet very much in the thick of things to understand better what our loved ones are experiencing. I am so sorry for your loss and so thankful to you for your bravery in sharing your heart.

    I also just want to say one thing…in defense of those who compare to deaths of grandparents or friends. It is not that those people don’t get it, its that those people are trying to relate and empathize in the only way that makes sense to them. It’s that those people CAN often understand because they imagine the loss of their loved one and then multiply it by an infinite number and then they know that they still have a ways to go before they can TRULY get it, but they are trying. Those of us who have not lost a child of our own can only identify in our own way, but please know that our “comparisons” are never with intent to hurt, but only with intent to help us feel.

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    Nicole says:

    This is so beautiful and I feel like every single word you put here are my exact same thoughts… it brought me to tears… I loved it.. I just lost my twin girls on Monday, Feb 6th at 23 weeks… they lived for 2 days… I wish everyday that I could go back and change things…
    thank you again for this post… it’s beautiful..

    xoxo,
    nikki

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      Caroline says:

      Oh Nikki,
      My heart goes out to you… my daughter lived for 20 amazing minutes that changed my life forever <3
      I pray that you find peace and that, in time, you can find a way to look back on the 2 days that you had with your precious daughters with pride and joy.
      You and your loved ones are very much in my thoughts.
      Although your family will never be the same, these special girls will always be an important part of it.
      You will always be their mother; they will always be your daughters – neither time or distance can ever change that.
      Sending love and prayers your way.
      Caroline.

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    Lotte says:

    thank you for sharing this. Sometimes it’s good to know that you’re not alone, that there are others who understand you. Unfortunately they had to go trough the same pain to be able to understand. My daughter Leah died december 7, 2010. I was 7 months pregnant. I have a 3 months old son now, and he makes me very happy, but when i see him playing, i can’t help wonderring what it would be like to see them play together.

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    Joy R. says:

    Sometimes I wish I had a casket, a grave site, a funeral to remember. I lost my little one too young to have anything to remember him or her by…no name, no ultrasound pictures yet, didn’t know if it was a boy or girl. It makes it feel less real somehow, but it still hurts just the same.
    Thanks for sharing this…it definitely described how I’m feeling.

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    Claire says:

    I hope you don’t mind but I have put a link to this post in my blog and also linked it on FB as it resonated so much with me. I am based in the UK and so one or two parts do not apply to us (e.g. we don’t have to pay hospital costs relating to the birth) and so on my blog I have also added a few of my own thoughts which would apply to us in the UK. I have only just started the blog and so I have no idea if I have linked your post correctly but I hope you don’t mind that I have done so. Sending a hug, Claire xx (http://nolongerexpecting.blogspot.com/)
    Claire recently posted..CatastrophisingMy Profile

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    Rhiannon says:

    Fran–This is absolutely perfect, beautiful and so very sad. I love it. Thank you for posting and I will be re-posting on my blog if it’s ok :)

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    erin says:

    thank you, thank you, thank you. just what i needed to read today. I lost my son at 14+ weeks and learned his gender and that he had full Trisomy 18 in the pathology report. After speaking to my sister yesterday when I was down about how I felt, I realized I can no longer discuss pregnancy loss (I’ve had two) with anyone who hasn’t gone through it.

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      Franchesca Franchesca says:

      I am so sorry for your both of your losses Erin. Sending you big hugs!! Wish so much you didn’t know this pain.
      Franchesca recently posted..Dear Weekend…My Profile

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      Joy R. says:

      I know what you mean…I have found that out as well. I can’t really talk about it with my sister, either. I’m sorry you are having to go through this again.

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    erin says:

    Sorry to hear I am not alone on the sister thing, joy. It’s amazing how misunderstood by the people we love. My sister suggested that I couldn’t handle a second child and maybe this was gods way of showing me that. Reading Franchescas words is alll I cawn do becaue I want to scream at people to suhut up

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      Joy R. says:

      Oh my, was that supposed to be comforting or something??? I am SO sorry, Erin! So basically what she’s saying is that you are a BAD MOM and that caused your baby to DIE????? OMG I can’t believe the insensitivity of people.
      My sister had a miscarriage herself, and yet I can’t really talk to her about mine. Which is really really annoying. Early on I told her how it helps to read other women’s stories online about their miscarriages, and her advice was not to read them because it will just make me more sad. And that I shouldn’t wallow in my grief too much. Um…ok…as far as I know it’s HEALTHY to grieve and let it out! So yeah, I don’t talk to her about it either. I hear you about wanting to scream at people! One that annoys me that they say is “Well at least you can get pregnant again.” I want to reply, “Oh yeah, lose a child? No problem, just make another one!” I really think people are trying to be helpful, but they just have NO CLUE what the heck they’re saying.

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        erin says:

        Right? I think she was trying to create some really wharped ‘silver lining’ for me. I am a great Mom and she lives 3k miles away and has no idea whether the stress of two kids under 3 is something my husband and I could handle. NOT THE POINT ANYWAY and so incredibly hurtful and insulting. I am a great Mom and a strong woman. I feel like screaming ‘dont’ presume to know what I can/can’t handle. You have no idea. Don’t tell me to get over it. I will never get over the loss of my two babies but I won’t live in the loss either’.

        I’m sorry your sister won’t allow herself to feel her feelings. I agree that it is healthier to experience it, than to try to ignore. Sadly, we live in a society where people think ‘being brave’ = ‘sucking it up’. Anyway, I know from experience that if you don’t get in touch with your feelings in the moment, they will be getting in touch with you for the rest of your life. Thanks so much, Joy. You definitely brought this girl joy today with your love and support!

        Hugs, -e

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    Rebekah says:

    Thank you for this post. A friend of mine recently forwarded this to me as I just lost my beautiful baby boy on 3/25/12. He was born perfect is everyway possible on 3/17/12, 7lbs 7oz. We took him to the emergency room on 3/25/12 because he seemed to be having trouble breathing. One hour later he was dead. At this time it looks like he contracted some sort of virus. By the time he showed signs that something was wrong it was too late. It is so hard to express how you feel to those around you. You just feel dead inside…

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      Franchesca Franchesca says:

      Dear Rebekah, I am so so sorry for your recent loss. My heart breaks for you. It is so true, losing a child makes you feeling so empty, alone and dead. I wish so much you didn’t know the pain of this loss.

      Sending you big hugs and prayers for healing and peace in this road ahead.

      xo fran
      Franchesca recently posted..Breaking AwayMy Profile

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    shannon says:

    Thank you for this. I lost my 17 month old to SIDS 6 months ago.. and I feel that way completely.

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    lynette says:

    This is so true.I lost my baby 1 day after birth on May 31st 2011.The pain is still raw,but I thank God for his grace and strenght.
    Lynette
    Kenya

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    Stefania says:

    I could not have expressed this so simply and correctly. Every one of these statements rings so true and jarring and sad.

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    Ashley says:

    This describes so much for me. You put into words what I cannot say…yet. I just lost my beautiful Carlie Wren on 7/22/12 at 21 weeks 3 days. Her name, ironically enough, means Free Bird :) Thank you so much, and bless you for this post. <3
    Ashley recently posted..Small Bump – Ed SheeranMy Profile

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    Megan says:

    I just found your blog and this post caught my eye. These are words I feel I could say myself… thanks for helping me remember that I’m not crazy and I’m not alone. Our daughter, our first child, went to Heaven on the day she was born – June 15, 2012. I eagerly await our reunion with Faith someday. God bless!

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    Ebonie says:

    A friend sent this post to me, and I swear, it could’ve been written by me. I hate that others have felt what I’m feeling and have had to pick out a casket instead of take home a baby, but I also find comfort in that I’m not alone. Thank you for this.

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    Robin says:

    I lost my baby on Sunday Dec16, 2012. I was so excited to be having my third child. My husband and I didn’t broadcast this pregnancy because we wanted to keep him to ourselves for a while. I didn’t even tell my mother. I can’t put into words how my heart aches. How my heart broke when duringthe ultrasound I no longer heard his heartbeat. The look on my mother’s face when I told her I just lost the grandchild she never even knew about. I feel like my body has betrayed me and my baby. I feel like am not worthy, like I wasn’t worthy to carry him. I will love you baby till the day I die. Your daddy will too. And someday I know it won’t hurt do much to think of you and the life you will never have. Please forgive me my sweet baby.
    I love you
    Mummy

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      Joy says:

      I’m so sorry for your loss, Robin. It wasn’t your fault, though I know how it feels we must be responsible, somehow. And you were worthy to carry him, he just couldn’t stay for whatever reason. I know for me I had so many “why”s. But I just hope you don’t blame yourself because I know you loved your baby and did everything you could to protect and shelter its little life.
      I wish I could give you a big hug–I lost my baby in January of this year and I can easily recall the feelings you’re describing. The hurt does get better, and you can think of your baby without tears coming to your eyes and that ache to your heart. But you never forget them—you never forget.

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    Jennifer Costello says:

    Thank you for writing this – it makes me feel like I’m not alone in everything I’m feeling.

    This is EVERYTHING I’m feeling – perfectly articulated. I couldn’t have expressed this better if I had written it myself. People (the majority of whom have never gone through this themselves) keep saying it will get better, but I feel worse every day. However, I do get better at faking being ‘okay’ everyday – it’s exhausting. I would trade my life for hers in a heartbeat. I would give up everything I own to have her or even to hold her for one more minute to feel her soft skin or kiss her perfect lips.

    Seeing her nursery (that I can’t bear to take down) makes me sick to my stomach but I can’t imagine packing up her one and only bedroom and losing all the wonderful memories I had while I was putting it together dreaming of the day I would put my sleepy-headed miracle in her warm and cozy crib. Like you said I ‘never imagined I wouldn’t need’ all the beautiful things we have for her.

    I love my little girl and miss her so much. My little 31 week old angel, my sweet Camilla Rose – October 17, 2013.

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      Franchesca Franchesca says:

      Dear Jennifer, I am so sorry for your loss. It brings back those raw moments in my life to me… sending so much love to you. I wish you didn’t know this pain. Franchesca recently posted..A LetterMy Profile

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