Recently I stumbled on Jessi’s blog, This Camera Tells My Story, and so glad I did. I am pretty excited to have her guest posting here today. After reading her post I was in tears- literally. I hope you enjoy what she’s sharing today, and have a chance to visit her blog.
My story begins long before we found out we were pregnant. It starts before we even got married. Our story begins with God. It begins with His plan, His provision. He is provisionary, not reactionary. He knew all my days before they began. He knows the number of hairs on my head. He knit my daughter together in my womb. He is intimately involved in every detail of my life and the lives of my children.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s rewind a bit:
Ben and I were married in 2004. I was a day away from 19 and he was just 20. Yes, we were kids. Yes, we were blindly in love. And yes, we had the usual “5 year plan”.
4 years after the wedding, we decided we were ready to start our family. We didn’t consult God. We didn’t seek His plan. We just stuck to our own plan. I’ve come to learn that my plan is usually not God’s plan.
I got pregnant almost immediately. But about 12 weeks in, we found out that something was not right. Our baby had a chromosomal abnormality that was causing other issues. The prognosis was grim. And at 25 weeks, we lost her. I went in for a routine check up and there was no heartbeat.
We expected it, but we had been praying for a different outcome. I spent hours and hours weeping, searching scripture, crying out to God, begging Him to heal my daughter, asking Him to let me keep her. But that was not the plan. He healed her, but not how I wanted. She is not here with us on earth. She is with Him; perfect and safe.
It’s sometimes difficult to see God in situations where your heart has broken into a thousand pieces, but He’s there. Don’t give up on Him. I’ve written before about how I experienced God in the midst of all of this. He was near to me. He provided for me every single step of the way.
After we lost baby Isabella, we knew we wanted to try again. The disorder she had was not genetic and it was extremely unlikely that any other children would have it. We got pregnant again and miscarried. We got pregnant again and miscarried. We got pregnant again and miscarried.
Yes, you read that right. We lost 4 babies over the course of 2 years. I was devasted. I was broken. I questioned God about why He would place “mother” and “family” on my heart if it wasn’t going to happen. At least, it seemed very clear that it wasn’t going to happen.
But guess what, God doesn’t ever let you down. It may seem like He isn’t there. It may seem like He doesn’t care or isn’t providing. But that is just your perspective. He always provides and He always comforts. Turn to Him and allow Him to do those things.
Over the course of the next year, Ben and I discussed our options. We decided that we would try to get pregnant one more time before he deployed to Afghanistan. If we didn’t get pregnant, then I would spend the entire deployment researching adoption and preparing to head down that road.
Ben left on May 1, 2010.
On May 14, he called for the first time from Afghanistan and I took a pregnancy test while he was on the phone with me.
It was positive.
A friend recently commented on a photo of Isaac on Facebook saying, “What a precious gift from the Lord your little guy is. He must love you so much to bless you like this.”
That is the perspective I need to keep: God loves me. God provides for me. Yes, bad things happen because unfortunately there is sin and death in this world. But that doesn’t mean that God doesn’t care. It doesn’t mean that He isn’t providing for you and near to you. It doesn’t mean He can’t heal your heart.
God won’t let you down, ever. You can trust Him. If there is one thing that the Lord has been showing me over the course of my 26 years on this earth, it’s that.