Absolutes

 

The other day Bubby and I were laying out on our big trampoline and as I laid there I asked him if he saw anything in the clouds.

Knowing he probably understands a little less than I’m trying to pour into him, I kept talking.

I explained to him that I am looking for hearts in the clouds.

And why.

I feel a huge shift in who I was, who I am today, and who I am becoming.

It’s not all bad, it’s just unfamiliar.

And at the same time familiar.

As I have changed my faith has been strained, stretched, tested, put through the fire (hell) and back.

Or at least it feels like it.

With every attack on my mind I feel like I’m losing a little bit of faith.

But there are some things I decided I needed to hold fast to, regardless of how I feel.

Things that are unwavering. Steadfast. Forever.

The Reason I’m standing at all today.

Every time I hear about someone thanking God that he answered their urgent prayers I can’t help but think back to that time in the hallway by the level 3 NICU, eyes swollen and red from crying, and a fresh c-section scar that I could barely even feel, desperate for a way to reach Heaven’s ear.

I believe with all my heart God is a perfect God and does not make mistakes.

But he didn’t intervene, and the gap between my prayers and his lack of pulling in and helping our daughter out- I rest that gap in my own shortcoming.

Was my prayer off somehow? Misworded? Not enough faith?

These are real questions that haunt me more than I’d like to admit.

But then I remember the time we nearly lost her that last Thursday. And how our prayers did reach Heaven. He knew I wasn’t ready for goodbye.

And I remember the first time I laid eyes on her, I was filled with so much fear and wonder. Fear that I couldn’t give her my everything anymore. Wonder because this was the lovely creature that been growing and kicking inside of me for 29 weeks.

And I remember the peace that surrounded those 13 days, and how the visitors flocked and astounded the NICU staff.

And I remember the hope that I will see her again.

And I stop to remember the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross to make this hope possible.

And somehow those haunting questions that only threaten to steal my joy are silenced, even if just for a moment.

Absolutes.

Sometimes my heart needs to hear them.

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Comments

  1. 1
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    Beautiful…once again!
    I was just mired in my woes today of “why did he grant them their prayer and not me?”. As time passes, it happens less and less. But it still hurts. I do tell Him that I hope to have a “sit down” when I finally arrive to be with her!
    Heidi @ Buttons and Butterflies recently posted..You know it is bad when….My Profile

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    Rosemary says:

    This is so beautifully written. I have felt the exact sentiments expressed here. The doubts, the questions and then the renewal again. It’s almost as if I’m constantly shredding layers of myself to be renewed once again; it’s the only way to survive the pain of losing precious life. I lost my beautiful Theo four yrs ago, and since then I have had a precious daughter but a void is still present. I accept it will never be filled until I hold him again. No words from others really matter anymore; they probably have all forgotten him long ago. Only the Mother truly carries the scar on her heart probably for a lifetime.

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      Franchesca Franchesca says:

      that is exactly it! it’s a process, a circle that keeps repeating itself, shredding those layers only to be renewed. Thank you for mentioning sharing that. That thought helped me :)

      xoxo

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    Thank you for sharing your authentic journey. It means a lot.
    Jennifer LeBlanc recently posted..Good, Bad & Ugly: A Weekend to RememberMy Profile

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    I still have those ‘why them, not us’ moments but just ever so often. Mostly because I am at peace with what I believe is her reason to be here and to not be here. Peace comes with absolutes because once you believe in your heart what you are sure of your mind says A-HA. That makes sense in my world, I hope you can understand it too.
    Stephanie Desjarlais recently posted..It takes me backMy Profile

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    Anita says:

    What a wonderful post.
    As God gives us the strength to lift our eyes on to Him, through the ‘unanswered questions’ He meets us at our deepest need. x
    Anita recently posted..How great is our God! Finding comfort in painMy Profile

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    Trisha says:

    I can relate to feeling as though your prayers weren’t said just right. Ooh believe me, I understand praying until your face turns blue. But you’re right, silence the lies with His absolute Truth. He was there, hurting and listening to our plea. And saying to us “it’s bigger and better than you could ever imagine…just wait, love”.
    Trisha recently posted..Twenty-Six Weeks, Seven WeeksMy Profile

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    andi says:

    seriously beautiful…thank you for sharing your heart with us, dear friend.

    hugs to you and prayers for peace,
    Andi
    andi recently posted..12 Days Mommy Moments Challenge Link Up.My Profile

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    April says:

    Absolutely true ♥ My faith was rocked the day we lost our Lily and I can’t seem to get it back. Life is unfamiliar…everything is unfamiliar. I’m not a believer that the harder and better you pray your prayers will be answered. I sometimes wonder where those people would be today who thank God for answering their urgent prayers, how would their life have turned out if their prayers were not answered. Would they still be standing like us? Would they still be thanking God? It’s a test of faith for sure. I love your honesty ♥
    April recently posted..The HeartMy Profile

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      Franchesca Franchesca says:

      thank you April. I wonder the same thing. I like to think their Christianity would be the same, but if their faith is resting on God’s answered prayers going their way, well I just don’t know. It rocks us to the core, and certainly makes our faith that much stronger. lots of love to you!

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    Mackenzie says:

    This was beautiful. Your son is lucky to have you as his momma! I can’t imagine the beauty of the moment when you finally get to see your little one again. Blessings to you!

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    Jess says:

    So beautiful, Franchesca. There will always be those unanswered questions, until we meet God face to face and he can answer them for us, or sometimes I think maybe I will have this instantaneous understanding as soon as I lay eyes on Eliana in heaven, and I will see the specific purpose and plan that He had in mind all at once. Until then, I guess we just get those glimpses here and there, and then hold onto those absolutes. But, I love to rest in that, and I’m so glad we have that truth to cling to in the midst of those times of deepest uncertainty. I know he hears our prayers, and then somehow intricately weaves them into His plan…but it’s a mystery to me as well. Hugs!!

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      Franchesca Franchesca says:

      I love what you said. It will immediately make sense when we see them in Heaven. Thank you for mentioning that, I like to believe it will be just like that.

      lots of love to you, hope you are well friend. xoxo

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    Carol says:

    what a wonderful post you have here. Thanks for posting this one. GOD is good ALL THE TIME :)

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    Nicole says:

    Love your words soo much Franchesca. I’m not even sure how long ago I stumbled across your blog (roughly a year in a half ago) but ever since I’ve I looked up to you a lot. You are so inspiration, strong, real, beautiful inside & out.. I’ve look through so many previous post that I’ve lost count! When I have had sad days or when I feel that I need to read or see that ‘healing is real’ inspiration I literally find your blog again (if I can’t find it!) and read myself away. Your son has a beautiful mama (: I know in the future when he is older enough he is going to be sooo proud of you.. proud of who you are, your love, your strength, your creations.. of all of it!

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    Jamie says:

    This is the first time that I’ve heard anyone say that they wondered if something was somehow wrong with their prayers. From the moment I got the call at work that my son wasn’t breathing and they were doing cpr I prayed. I did nothing but pray and plead for the entire 45 mile trip to the hospital in the snow. Lots of prayers. Begging. He didn’t make it, and I have wondered so many times what I did wrong. I believe fully that because of Christs death on the cross and resurrection, I Will see my son again. But, thank you for putting words to my thoughts. It has been in my head for the last 15 months

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    Beth says:

    Oh yes…
    Beth recently posted..MinorityMy Profile

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    Morgan says:

    It really feels like sometimes you reach into my heart and write what I am struggling to get out. On big question I struggle with “Did I not pray hard enough?” I don’t remember really calling out to God that day in the NICU. I didn’t fall on my knees and shout to the Heavens. And now posting this comment is leading me to realize I should probably sit down and write about my struggle with those questions.

    But yes, we will see them again.
    Morgan recently posted..I went thereMy Profile

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