(written June 2, ’12)
At sunset I found a peace in the evening sky. The colors give quite a show, and it’s almost like the colors the sky paints at the end of the day is the grand finale… like their work for the day is finished. And what a masterpiece it is to behold.
At sunset my face was covered in tears. Seriously, desperately missing my girl. The clouds, the sky is the one of ‘closest’ things I have to connect her to my world.
At sunset it became increasingly obvious that while this new baby will most likely be our last, and we are coming to the end of growing our family, something still feels undone. Missing.
And I realized it will always feel this way, no matter how many new babies we bring into this world, a part of the quilt will always have threads hanging out, looking and feeling like such a mess.
And I hate it.
There, I said it. I am so happy I could cry, and I have – cried many tears of joy that God has put this tiny miracle inside me. My mind races with the things he/ she will say, do. And now that I see Bubby I understand a little more of what to expect in a baby… child… toddler.
But. For fear of sounding unthankful I am drowning in a vicious circle of fear, guilt and grief. I’m sure pregnancy hormones are not helping.
I keep telling myself, we’ve been here before, and to some extent we have. I have. I’ve carried a rainbow baby. With fear, dread and constantly begging God to let me keep this one. The begging has begun again. He keeps reminding me gently to give it to him. And it’s something I wish I was better at.
What can I do, really? But drown in this not-knowing? I want to hear his/ her heartbeat. I want to know they are okay. I’m almost in a state of denial that I can’t really be pregnant because I must be so early on, but the sickness and nausea, and cravings have set in.
On Memorial Day I decided I would take that test. The two lines showed up almost instantly, and right there I realized our world has changed forever, again. We were so excited. Tears of happiness and joy. It felt surreal. A new little person. Pete keeps whispering in my ear, “I’m soo happy!!”
His chipper spirit is exactly what I need these days. To believe that everything is okay.
At sunset, as I sat on the edge of the trampoline, with Bubby bouncing away behind me… he dried those tears. He came over and popped his head ever so close to mine and mumbled something to me that I wish I could understand.
The tears and grief were muted, never completely gone, but at sunset I got to visit her… for just a little bit, and reconcile some of the things this new journey might bring.
Thanks so much for sharing. We just found out this week we were pregnant with rainbow baby. I am so scared and desperately clinging to truth. God is with me. He is purposefully working in my life. He is aquainted with grief. I am thankful to read your words as a fellow sister in Christ and still grieving mommy. I will be praying for your sweet family during this time and would love prayers for our family as well. :)
Thank you Stephanie. Holding you and your beautiful rainbow in prayer as well! Congrats sweet lady xxxx
The first trimester is so rough, but it has gotten a little easier, especially the second time around. (The first time I don’t think it really got easier till he was here and healthy.) I am also pregnant with our second rainbow, and totally understand how you feel. We recently found out we are having are second boy (we lost our daughter, our first rainbow is a boy), and while I am so thrilled for another little boy and our son to get a little brother, it’s also a very bittersweet realization that we may never have a living daughter, again. Wishing you an easy and uneventful pregnancy.
Oh I definitely get that. It is such a bittersweet road isn’t it?
Thank you for your sweet thoughts. Thinking of you too, and wishing you a peaceful pregnancy.
Beautiful post, so honest, thank you for sharing. Praying for you in this new/old journey!
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Thank you!!!
Tears & fears, joy & elation are part of this journey. God understands. Remember- He too knows the pain of losing a child. That is why He tenderly & gently, not harshly reminds us to give Him our fears and doubts. You will be in my prayers over the coming months. XO
Thank you Mary, for the reminder. I needed that.
xoxo
I know it’s far easier said than done . . . but don’t feel guilty for the fear and grief. I’ve been thinking about what a second rainbow pregnancy might be like, and I am coming to the conclusion that it will be a whole lot like this first one. Maybe the grief will be a little less raw, but the fear? I don’t think that will be less. Especially in those early weeks. For me, the first trimester of this rainbow pregnancy were utter hell. I shut down completely. And really, can anyone blame us? We have lived through a horrible thing connected to pregnancy. And on top of that — our first babies are dead. For me, I never saw a pregnancy lived out from conception until birth until my own — and that ended in Eve’s stillbirth. So it’s hard for me to trust God and trust this life-giving process He has created, when my first personal experience with it was my own, and ended badly. But . . . I believe that the grief, fear, and guilt are worth it in the end. You already know that. I’m excited for you, but don’t envy you having to walk through those horrible early weeks again. I know I am already dreading those weeks for myself, should we try for a second rainbow after this little guy is born (please God!). I am praying for you and your family, sweet Fran.
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Thank you so much girl.
I have to agree. The grief, definitely not raw. It’s almost nonexistent (and I feel horrible admitting that) but I think I am just so afraid of losing *this* baby and thinking of what kind of spiral that could send me on. I guess I’m trying to stay sane. The fear is definitely present, as present as it was with Bubby. And since we never had any solid answers why Jenna died, or what in the world went wrong I fear that anything could happen. The good thing is Bubby keeps me distracted big time, so when the time comes (praying it will :) rest in the fact that your first rainbow will have a beautiful way of distracting you from that fear 24/7. I am definitely looking forward to having the reassurance of feeling the baby kicks though! These first few weeks are no doubt the hardest.
Thinking about you, and praying for you constantly. xxxx
Congratulations! Praying for you heart and your sweet new baby!
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Thank you Tesha :)
you put so beautifully into words what so many of us feel… as we try to get pregnant again, following two miscarriages, i am scared to hope, lest we be let down again. i am so thankful for the son we already have, but afraid that he may never have a sibling. i am so envious of those other women who can blissfully go through pregnancy without having having the fear of loss… i try so hard to give it to God, but it still comes back. so hope you can enjoy your pregnancy!!
Thank you Tara. It is definitely a battle giving this to God, this fear. Hoping that you can bring home a sweet rainbow baby soon. xxxx
Thanks for sharing those beautiful photos. I really regretted that I haven’t got the chance to take some photos of the sky when I traveled last week. The forms of clouds are so wonderful. The’re like cotton candies.. Love it!
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