(written June 2, ’12)
At sunset I found a peace in the evening sky. The colors give quite a show, and it’s almost like the colors the sky paints at the end of the day is the grand finale… like their work for the day is finished. And what a masterpiece it is to behold.
At sunset my face was covered in tears. Seriously, desperately missing my girl. The clouds, the sky is the one of ‘closest’ things I have to connect her to my world.
At sunset it became increasingly obvious that while this new baby will most likely be our last, and we are coming to the end of growing our family, something still feels undone. Missing.
And I realized it will always feel this way, no matter how many new babies we bring into this world, a part of the quilt will always have threads hanging out, looking and feeling like such a mess.
And I hate it.
There, I said it. I am so happy I could cry, and I have – cried many tears of joy that God has put this tiny miracle inside me. My mind races with the things he/ she will say, do. And now that I see Bubby I understand a little more of what to expect in a baby… child… toddler.
But. For fear of sounding unthankful I am drowning in a vicious circle of fear, guilt and grief. I’m sure pregnancy hormones are not helping.
I keep telling myself, we’ve been here before, and to some extent we have. I have. I’ve carried a rainbow baby. With fear, dread and constantly begging God to let me keep this one. The begging has begun again. He keeps reminding me gently to give it to him. And it’s something I wish I was better at.
What can I do, really? But drown in this not-knowing? I want to hear his/ her heartbeat. I want to know they are okay. I’m almost in a state of denial that I can’t really be pregnant because I must be so early on, but the sickness and nausea, and cravings have set in.
On Memorial Day I decided I would take that test. The two lines showed up almost instantly, and right there I realized our world has changed forever, again. We were so excited. Tears of happiness and joy. It felt surreal. A new little person. Pete keeps whispering in my ear, “I’m soo happy!!”
His chipper spirit is exactly what I need these days. To believe that everything is okay.
At sunset, as I sat on the edge of the trampoline, with Bubby bouncing away behind me… he dried those tears. He came over and popped his head ever so close to mine and mumbled something to me that I wish I could understand.
The tears and grief were muted, never completely gone, but at sunset I got to visit her… for just a little bit, and reconcile some of the things this new journey might bring.