I know it won’t be like this the whole nine months (or at least I don’t think so) but I can’t feel grief right now. I can hardly feel that part of my heart at all. I guess I am so focused on 1. being so tired to do anything these days (once upon a time I was a night owl) and 2. constantly trying to do everything ‘right’, I don’t want to lose this baby. I think of Jenna everyday, just as often. I haven’t forgotten her. But that sadness, I think it is just on hold.

I have the rest of my life to feel that pain don’t I? I think my mind/body/heart must be in survival mode.

With Bubby it had only been five months or so, and quite literally I had to push myself out of this hole of grief. It was extremely hard to say the least. It felt like betrayal, and it still does. Something about being sad and being able to let the tears fall about the loss (as infrequent as that may be after three years) makes me feel closer to her.

It feels like betrayal.

But on the way home I discovered something that deep down inside I already knew.

It seems like all the important conversations happen in the car. We were having a conversation about baby names. We decided we won’t be sharing the name of the baby until he/she gets here. We will be finding out and sharing the sex of the baby though. Anyway, as Pete was rattling off ideas for boy names (I’m sorry, but boy names are HARD!), I listened. But as I listened my eyes were fixed on the gorgeous sunset we were driving right into. There was so much pink reflection on the indigo clouds. I don’t know how she entered our conversation, I think Pete mentioned how beautiful the sky looked. For him to notice, you know it was a good one. I told him the pink skies means she must be painting tonight. It hit me right then, that she is as much a part of our world as ever. I might not get the chance to sit by her bedside and feel her tiny, tiny hand wrapped around my giant finger, or gain that closeness in tears at her loss, but there are moments… and she will visit again. 

I am sure of it.

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  1. 1
    Adrienne says:

    Congratulations and Hugs and Prayers for you, Fran!!!!!

  2. 2

    Fran, congratulations! I’m glad Jenna visited you. And yes, I’m sure she will visit again. Sending prayers & good thoughts for you. xoxo
    Sarita Boyette recently posted..Returning From BattleMy Profile

  3. 3
    Meg says:

    Beautiful and so true….
    Meg recently posted..Fathers Day 2012My Profile

  4. 4
    Beth says:

    You said: “I think my mind/body/heart must be in survival mode.” That was exactly my experience for the first month or two of this rainbow pregnancy. Exactly.
    Looking toward the sunset with you…
    Beth recently posted..Some Exhausted Meandering + New ArtMy Profile

  5. 5
    Stephanie says:

    Congratulations! I am so happy for you. The first birthday of my twins (and also, sadly, the day they passed is coming upon me fast) and I don’t know what to do. I too am pregnant. I am five and half months along and we know its a boy. Our first boy. I have a three year old daughter and our identical twins are girls as well. It’s been a rough road. Not letting too much excitement and fear take over. I am just now starting to feel what you said about the grief not really being felt. Strange… My thoughts and prayers are with you and this little one.
    Stephanie recently posted..Turn My Mourning Into DancingMy Profile

  6. 6
    Stephanie D says:

    You know you don’t need tears to feel close to her when you can see such a beautiful sky. When you see a butterfly. When you look at Bubby. Even that Momma bird way up on that tower. Like I’ve mentioned to you before, I believe she rests on your shoulder, influencing your words, your thoughts, and your dreams. Love you!
    Stephanie D recently posted..Right Where I Am: 16 years, 7 months, and 4 daysMy Profile

  7. 7
    Natalie says:

    Beautiful. Abosultely beautiful. She will definitely visit again. And I think it is so wonderful she chose that moment to show herself to you. I wonder if that is a sign that the baby will be a boy. :) She was trying to tell you something.

  8. 8
    Nicole says:

    I feel too that my sweet girl has came back to me through the beauty around us. Your post kinda’ touches home as my most recently ones talks about loss, my pictures and the impact that my girl has brought on (what I think) to them. There are many times I look up at the sky or at a beautiful flower and think of her and/or think that is her and rest of her friends. I’ve felt close to my girl in so many ways that it is truly unexplainable and it’s a beautiful thing… As far as putting off that grief I think it is okay and I understand why you feel that you shouldn’t. I’ve felt guilty for not caring and very guilty for caring to much. I’ve came to terms that it’s a process and some hours, days, weeks and even months will be better than others, and vice versa. My sadness has been on hold for about 2 months now.. I’ve question myself a lot and developed a lot of guilt assuming that I don’t care or think of my girl. The tears have stopped and the sudden urge of sadness but I often do stop and need to take a deep breathe, be by myself or take away to just think…. Although I know ‘a ‘beautiful mess’ is your meaning behind your work, but it is truly a beautiful mess.

    I think you should just take it easy but of course do not overwork yourself. You half to move forward while holding on. You have 3 babies now and I’m pretty sure Jenna understands and is very proud of you.

    I’m glad I know you Fran.. even if it’s through a screen.

  9. 9
    Hillary says:

    A million zillion congratulations!! How exciting! I have to be honest here and say that so much of my grief and sadness was lessened by the arrival of Caroline’s little brother Griffin. Maybe it’s that I am just so busy and tired all the time :) that I don’t have time to even think anymore. The flip side of having Griffin is that I tangibly feel her presence in him. I know that that sounds beyond odd ball strange but I sometimes feel that her little spirit tagged along with Griffin. :) I love this! Whenever he’s around I know that she is too and I am so comforted by that. I hope that by adding a 3rd little one to your brood that you feel Jenna even more!

    Lots of love to you! xoxox
    Hillary recently posted..HappyMy Profile

  10. 10

    Beautiful. And, yes…survival mode makes perfect sense. And, the word betrayal. I get that too. Bur you are right. Your Jenna is so part of your life.

    By the way…rejoicing with you for the new life growing within. Love and prayers…
    Kelly @ Sufficient Grace recently posted..Sometimes You Have to Close Your Eyes to Really SeeMy Profile

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