Steph and I were joking about being in this cocoon, away from the internet. I promise you, these days I spend about a fraction of the time online that I used to. Somehow work is still going great. I think it’s promoting all of it that is suffering, but I won’t ever get these days back to grow this sweet baby, so I’m not sweating it a bit. Promoting the magazine, artwork, etc… it can be put on hold for this short while.
Not only that, but did I mention that potty training is in full swing? It’s a royal disaster, but we’re taking it one day at a time :) Oh, and you moms of boys- I am all ears. What worked/ didn’t work for you? We are on day #2 and I’m already pooped out. No pun intended.
And my sweet Jenna. Lately the skies have been filled with soft golden yellows. I miss the pink and purple ones. Those sunsets make me feel so close to her, and not seeing one in a while just makes my heart ache a little more. Maybe God is just mixing up those pink and purple paints right now. I’m sure one will come again soon enough.
In the morning we have our second doctor’s appointment. Dear God, please let me see or hear a heartbeat. The first time I heard my own baby’s heartbeat that pregnancy with Jenna became real. Tears rolled down my face. Life is such a beautiful gift, and we get to live it… everyday.
We were fortunate enough to see the heartbeat last time, but something about the days in between appointments are tough… especially the further away I get from that point of certainty. Ultimately, I’ve decided I was never intended to carry this load of worry. God knows it all. And I am feeling more keen on trusting him with this baby somehow. It is a little easier to trust that he will let this one make it. I don’t know. When I say it like that it sounds like he was somehow against Jenna making it, but I don’t know how else to put it. He let us take this sweet boy home, and watch him grow into this amazing two year old – full of sentences, adventure and mischief.
Something I took away from the retreat was that he really is for us.
You are such a brave lady doing potty training while in the first trimester. :) I have a little guy, and we did a 3 day cold turkey approach. No diaper except at sleep time. You literally let them learn their own signals….no putting them on the potty to “try”, just put undies on them and stay RIGHT by them. When you see them start to pee, rush them to the potty. Tell them, “Tell me when you have to pee” over and over, like every few minutes. Anyhoo, by day 5 my little guy had it. We tackled night time later. Also, we didn’t go anywhere for a few days. :) Sounds like torture I know! Thanks for your words about pregnancy too. I am 7 weeks and freaking out a bit, so your words are refreshing!! My first appt. is next week…cannot WAIT to see little bean. Pregnancy after loss is such a different ball game. Thanks for sharing your heart with us!
Seriously when I was reading your comment I was sitting with my son thinking I should make him ‘sit and try’. It couldn’t have come at a better time!! Ever since I have been literally taking your advice and it WORKS! :D We have some work to do, but we’re getting there :) Thank you!
Praying for your sweet baby on the way too!! XOXO!
Yay!!! I am so glad…totally heard it from another momma, so I am glad to pay it forward. :) Thank you for your prayers. This first trimester is kicking my butt!
Bless your heart. I had 3 miscarriages – and those first few weeks of each subsequent pregnancy were so, so hard. We were blesses to have 3 more children – you ar e right, he is for us. I pray our day is blessed! OH! Good luck on the potty training!!
Thank you Laurie :)
Oh yes. This: “Ultimately, I’ve decided I was never intended to carry this load of worry. God knows it all…. He really is for us.” I forget sometimes. But He is. I’ve been reading Ephesians 1 over and over again lately, because it so completely upends my feelings of what He feels like with what He actually is like (head-over-heels in love with us, planning out every detail from before the beginning of time, exuding love and love and love…).
Praying for you guys and the new bean. x0x0
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Oh how I know first hand how damaging carry a load of worry can be… trust me I’m dealing with it myself right now. Looking back on the past, reflecting on words and actions, wondering where I went wrong, what I could have differently…. wondering if something it was something I said or did that resulted in the “situation” we are dealing with currently. It breaks a parents heart to watch a “child” of theirs make bad decisions… decisions that have life long lasting repercussions. To know that there are those out there who will turn their backs on us because of the “man-child’s” decisions…that there will be lasting repercussions within our own family. Sorry… I am just overwhelmed right now… you see right now more than anything I just want to physically feel my Heavenly Father’s arms around me comforting me, to have the burden of guilt lifted, to know that said “child” have literally had a change of heart and is now walking with His Lord and Savior again instead of believing the lies of this world.
Just know that I am praying for you…. for this little one, for you to hear a heartbeat at your next appointment, and for you feel an overwhelming sense of peace and calmness. Don’t we have a mighty God?! I sure am glad He carries me when life gets hard because I surely couldn’t make it on my own!
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Thank you so much Peggy! I feel the same way, I could never make it on my own without God. Praying for you too sweet friend.
xoxo fran
I love where your heart and mind is at these days. I can tell that you have taken a lot back with you from the retreat that you recently attended. You are such an amazing lady, Fran. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as each day passes and your baby grows. Hang in there with the toilet training….boys can take awhile (Early Childhood teacher advice). :) Sending hugs.
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Thank you so much Alissa, for your kind words and your prayers. I honestly feel a little different, refreshed in some way. It helps so much I guess to be face to face with others who have faced loss. I wish so much we could all meet in person rather than through the blogs! ;)
My best advice is to take the small potty out of the bathroom and bring it out where you are most often…the family room or living room, kitchen, etc. Eventually, it can move into the bathroom once he gets used to going to the potty when he needs to. I think he felt like he had to leave all the excitement to go to the other, boring room that’s cold and echoey and no fun. That was the first best thing we did. Second, was some routine. I knew he always “went” soon after he ate breakfast. So, after breakfast he sat on the potty for say 10 minutes while he got to watch 10 minutes of a PBS show. He got to watch very little tv at that age, so it was a big incentive. As long as he was on the potty, the tv stayed on and he got a lot of praise for just sitting there. I think he went the first or second time, which totally surprised us both. He would go just because he was in the position, and his body knew what to do. We got the bowels down long before all the pee, but that is because at that age he was pretty regular and I could time it well. Still, having the potty out in the room so he did not have to run far to sit on it was the BEST. We kept the pull ups on for quite sometime before switching to underwear. For the bladder, I would put him on the potty quite frequently, like every hour for say 10 minutes. Just for sitting, he got a lot of praise and one M and M whether he produced or not. When he did produce we went to the big toilet to dump it in and made a big deal about it. He got to flush if he wanted to. I think he may have gotten something more when he did actually pee like 10 more minutes of tv or more M and M’s… I can’t remember. Funny how we block out such trying times and looking back it’s all sunshine and not pulling your hair out. :)
So funny, I can’t wait til these days are just funny memories and not wanting to pull my hair out ;) Thank you so so much for the advice too. I see slight improvement each day, so we’re getting there :)
XXOO!
I remembered one other thing we did. We did not have any of those books that make sound when you push a button. So, we purchased one that our son only got to read when on the potty. It was a great incentive–something special to look at or read when only on there.