The Truth

The truth is I think about her more than anyone could even imagine. Unless, of course, you’ve been in these awful shoes.

I think about her all day, everyday. And you know, most of the time I think about her with a smile, or sort of with a glance-back half-smile thinking - what a gift she was.

But the other day I was in our closet, staring my clothes hanging in front of me, trying to find something to wear. The day was just about to start when my thoughts just got the best of me. I just remember being suddenly overwhelmed with her being gone.

I felt so utterly lost in that moment. I felt lost without her.

Wouldn’t any mother feel lost without one of her children?

I feel lost sometimes.

I have become an expert at surviving. I know what to say, to make you think I am doing GREAT. To make you feel not so awkward when I mention that one of my children died, or bring up something that one of my (now) dead children did, because God forbid I make you feel uncomfortable for talking about the most horrendous thing that has ever happened to me. Just saying. But in all honesty, I hate making someone feel awkward and like they wish they never asked a question or started the conversation. I know what not to say. And most of the time that is exactly what I do.

I sweep her under the rug, because she has become this painful reality that babies die.

But the truth is I think about her a lot.

And there are some days when I still wake up in total shock, that this is really life.

God knows it could be worse. A million times worse. But sometimes that empty feeling has a way of just swallowing me alive.

have a daughter. And I wish to God I could have known her better.

What her favorite shoes would have looked like.

Her dolls, would she have played with dolls? Or would she have been a tomboy?

How long would her hair have been now? And would it still be curly?

Would she have loved The Little Mermaid as much as I did?

What would she be saying, and talking about all day?

My heart is sad. And really, it’s okay that it’s sad. Lately it feels more comforting to be sad than happy because something about that sadness makes me feel strangely close to those days surrounding her life+death. The one thing I was afraid that this new pregnancy would do is take me further away from my first child, but if anything it reminds me so much of my pregnancy with her. So I welcome the heartache.

On a side note, when I bring up Jenna’s picture on our computer screen Bubby will say “Baby!”, and when I tell him her name, he can repeat her name pretty well. My heart aches just thinking of how I am going to try to explain who she is. I don’t think I’ll be able to get through it the first few times without being a blubbering mess!! He is starting to talk so much, and understand even more. I want to start soon, so that he’ll always know who this baby girl is.

Who knows, maybe he already does know. I’ve tried reading this book to him a couple of times when he was younger and I could barely get through the whole book. I like to think he knows more about her than I think he does.

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Comments

  1. 1
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    He knows… because she is a part of your family, your heart and your life…. It is beautiful the way this works,. I really believe God gives our children that instinct to just know… and that brings me great comfort. Thinking of you , this new baby and especially that beautiful boy that you are so blessed to call yours! God is good and cares so much as to tend to all of the even tiny little things that matter the most! Much love Fran! xoxo!

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    Beth says:

    Yes. Hugs.
    Beth recently posted..The Problem of Maternity PhotographyMy Profile

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    Beth says:

    p.s. I added that book to my baby registry. I find that particularly horrifying. More horrifying than the rest, somehow. This roads really sucks a lot sometimes. But that book does seem like a helpful thing, so I will choose to be glad of its existence, even with all the sucking. :(
    Beth recently posted..The Problem of Maternity PhotographyMy Profile

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    Ashley says:

    Once again, you’ve taken the words right out of my heart.

    Thinking of you and sweet Jenna all the time!!
    Ashley recently posted..Blogger 411My Profile

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    Stephanie says:

    Yes, we have that book and many others and it all comes down to the right moment. I know that with my older children, it is different because they experienced Amelia with us. But with Silas, it is just a different story. One that will be his own. I know that I have felt much the same as you have Fran. It is such a poignant journey.
    Stephanie recently posted..New Art ~ Water BirthMy Profile

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    Brianna says:

    My rainbow will turn 2 next month. He knows all three names of his siblings (older brother & sister-twins, and his twin brother). We use their names all the time. We let our rainbow look at the pictures we have, share with him how we symbolize our kids. I think our openness to speak about our other kids, and his connection to them (I think they meet in his dream) allows for situations like what happened to us last night. As we getting some peaches ready for dinner, our rainbow just started saying, “Bella” over and over again. I said, “Gus, does Bella like peaches?” His response? “Yes.” I couldn’t help but make a joke, “Well, that must mean that she’s a good southern Bella.” But behind that joke was the belief that Gus knows his siblings in a different way than we do or ever will.

    As for the book, that was the first book we read to our rainbow after he was born, even before he left the hospital. It is hard to read through. My husband and I have only chosen to read him that book a handful of times (less than 5), but Gus will pick that book out, thrust it up at us and say, “Read?” How can we turn him down when he wants to hear about his family? So, we sit down, open the book and read. If the tears fall, I let them fall, knowing that Oscar, Bella and Tittle are trying to tell me they love me while also telling me they’re trying to have the best relationship they can with their brother

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    Stephanie D says:

    We talked of Bailey all the time with Matthew. He never knew any different that he has a sister in Heaven. He went to the cemetery with us, it was his ‘job’ to pick out the flowers for every visit, he asked about her and we answered him with a smile. We didn’t want him to think that he would upset me by asking questions. He started school and quickly I was asked by the teachers who Bailey was? Every year we had to greet the teacher with “Bailey is Matthew’s sister that lives in Heaven so when he talks about her you will know”. He would grab a balloon from the restaurant and one for her too only to get out the door and send it up to Heaven. We have always involved her however we can so he has never known any other way.
    Stephanie D recently posted..I don’t belong because I smileMy Profile

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    Abbie says:

    I truly think our surviving children know more than we think they do. Ava’s twin will talk about her sisters, one sat opposite and the other one being an angel in the sky. It is normal to her even though I know it is not normal to others. I am not sure that she has figured out that most people don’t have angels in the sky for brothers or sisters. She just accepts it.

    She loves looking at the pictures and photos we have for Ava. She talks about her all the time in such a normal way. Children are truly fantastic and I am sure that Bubby will find his way and will make your heart sing when he talks about Jenna. x

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    Debby Pucci says:

    Sending ((HUGS)) and prayers your way.
    I had never seen those books before. Thanks for mentioning them.

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    Jamie says:

    Thank you so much for this post! It has been 18 months since my son died, and I feel like I think about him constantly. I’ve been wondering if that is normal. I was hoping so because I tend to feel guilty if I’m not thinking about him. This is such a crazy journey

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    Nan says:

    Beautiful, Fran xoxoxo

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    Nicole says:

    Hugs sweet friend.

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    Lisa says:

    God do I relate…I don’t think there is a moment when Finley is not on my mind. Even when I’m thinking of something else, it’s usually in relation to how it would be different if he were here. Sometimes I wish the pain would leave for just a moment, but then I realise I don’t actually wish that at all…a mother never forgets her child
    Lisa recently posted..OlympicsMy Profile

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    Melanie c says:

    Your post ‘glad’ lead me to this post ‘truth’. I think i was meant to find it. It speaks to my heart. About missing my baby girl, wondering about her, but being grateful for my rainbow at the same time. What is even more amazing is that you mentioned your love for TheLittleMermaid, and my baby girls name is Arielle, after my love for TheLittleMermaid :) and also that you wrote this post on the 16/7, the day my rainbow baby boy was born <3

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