Why I Can Be Okay

I was sitting outside watching my son splash around in his baby pool yesterday afternoon after a long hiatus indoors. It’s been so hot here. Too hot. And any little trip nearly exhausts me, to the point that all I can do is lay down when I get back. Just when I think my energy’s back, it’s not. I keep telling Pete this baby’s kicking my butt.

I also went cold turkey on caffeine. I miss my iced teas! I don’t remember the caffeine-free diet last time being this hard. All I know is that I just can’t, or I won’t take that risk- whatever risk caffeine involves in pregnancy. I do remember my first Starbucks drink after Bubby was born though! Oh, and it was SO good. But the coffee didn’t sit well with his tummy, so that didn’t last long ;)

Anyway, this thought bumped me in the head yesterday. This thought that HOW in the WORLD can I be so okay somedays? I mean my daughter is dead. She is DEAD.

But the sky was so blue. And it was truly amazing. This pitiful instagram hardly does it justice. 

But the way I see it…

is if the sky never forgets what hue to cast into the mid afternoon to make that perfect sky blue

and the birds never forget to fly south in the winter…

and the butterflies always seem to find the food (whatever that might be)…

and the wild little rabbit that makes his appearance from time to time in our backyard can find everything he needs to survive in this suburb…

and the sun never forgets to set… and rise again each morning…

then surely… my daughter is more than okay. She is in the hands of the One who takes care of all those everyday things, and doesn’t have this untimely, forgetful brain of mine. I am convinced her new home is better than anything I could have given her.

I miss her, and I had dreams for her. So many dreams. But I can be okay today… because she is in the best hands ever.

 

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Comments

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    Stephanie D says:

    Words to hold onto. Thanks!
    Stephanie D recently posted..A Good Night with Bad MemoriesMy Profile

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    Beth says:

    I was thinking the same thing earlier this week — my daughter is DEAD, so how am I [mostly] okay? And yet, I am. It’s all Him. All Him… Glad you are okay, too.
    Beth recently posted..On Art, Perfectionism, & Not Giving UpMy Profile

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    Abbie says:

    This is something I have asked myself too at times, thank you for you wise words as always.

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    tabitha says:

    Dear Fran,

    Thank you! You’re posts are always uplifting, and I find this one to be perfect timing. Today is my Miles’ 2nd birthday. Today I had that same “why am I ok?”moment when looking through his and his brother’s memory boxes (tomorrow is their birthdays). Sometimes the weight of 3 dead babies is overwhelming…how have I survived these last 2 yrs. Then I remember what you much more eloquently expressed here. Our Father has them in His hands and I have such treasure waiting for me on the otherside of this mortal life, and that is more than ok. Thank you for your words, your heart and all you do this side of heaven! Be blessed!

    Tabitha

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      Ginger says:

      Tabitha…did you have twins? I have been having a hard time finding a support group for a mother of twins but where only one survives.

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    Ginger says:

    I always say, “I can be ok…bc I know our daughter is so much more than ok…she is living in paradise”. She only got to see Heaven before we did. She is so much happier there than here and HE can take so much better care of her than I ever could have. =o) Of course, some days are so much more harder than others and we miss her so much. Our daughter, Lacey Hope was stillborn 1/17/12 due to a cord accident…her twin sister is “mama’s blessing” (Brooklyn Faith) and I always say that Lacey is “Jesus’ Blessing”. I carried the girls until 39 1/2 weeks, we went in for our scheduled c-section and had no idea that Lacey had already passed away a couple days before.

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      Franchesca Franchesca says:

      Oh Ginger, I am so sorry for your loss. They did get paradise before us, sometimes it makes me a tad jealous. ;) Can you imagine? I can’t but it comforts me so. I love the way you put it, “Jesus’ Blessing” :)

      xx
      Franchesca recently posted..Why I Can Be OkayMy Profile

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    Stefanie says:

    Wow! You just opened me to a whole new way if thinking about my grief. Thank you!
    Stefanie recently posted..She’s here…My Profile

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    Mary_M says:

    Beautiful … simply beautiful

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    Meg says:

    Amen…
    Meg recently posted..Did I really say that?My Profile

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    Tabitha says:

    Ginger,

    I had triplets, none of them survived, just born on different days. I agree though, finding a support group for infant loss, much less multiples is tough.

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    Tannis W says:

    LIKE LIKE LIKE, AMEN!

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    Lori says:

    I always think “Because He Lives” has so much more significance in my life….
    xoxoxoxoxo
    Lori recently posted..Laugh Out Loud!My Profile

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    Dear Fran,

    Some days I wonder how I go on. It doesn’t seem fair…

    While I haven’t been commenting recently, I’m always reading along and will always remember all that you have done and continue to do for me and others.

    I hope that you will accept “The Liebster Award” and pass it on to other deserving blogs. You can read about it and what I said about your blog here, http://www.journeysofthezoo.com/2012/07/liebster-award-recipient.html

    Besos, Sarah
    Zookeeper at Journeys of The Zoo
    Journeysof TheZoo recently posted..Recipient of the Liebster Award = I Am Nice.My Profile

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    belle says:

    so glad to find you again!!! for some reason, your blog dropped off of my follow list and i lost you :( how wonderful to find you are expecting a sweet rainbow! much love!

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