It was about 8:30 in the morning and Bubby and I were strolling through Target to satisfy two cravings of mine.
One – a decaf Iced Latte from Starbucks
and two – some pancake mix.
Naturally after picking up the pancake mix (and some brownie mix) I headed to the clothes. How can you not pass by their clothes? :)
I don’t know how to explain it, but the girl stuff, the girl section – the baby girl section that is- always gets me. I am so used to seeing it and being sad or avoiding it completely. I grieved the loss of not only our first child, but the loss of raising a daughter for so long.
I muffled under my breath that I can’t believe we’re really going to have another girl…
It STILL feels surreal. More dreamlike than reality.
I’m going to be completely honest and say that the first few weeks of this pregnancy were almost BLISS. I had so much confidence that things would be alright. Perfect. Just like Bubby.
I suppose the closer we get to the finish line (and that’s still far away, obviously), the reality just sets in.
Reality of all the things that could go wrong.
I’ve been throwing this mental pity party of why does it have to be like this? and, why can’t I just have my children- all three of them with me?
And then a thought, more like a question popped in my head. Almost like God asking me how much time I spend dwelling on the things I don’t have, versus the things that I do. Percentage-wise, I’d be too ashamed to even find out. The numbers would make it seem like I’ve lost more than I have, which is so, so wrong.
I do have a son.
I do have a beautiful little girl kicking more and more each day inside me.
And I DO have those 13 days to thank God for.
I have a lot.
Dear most unfriendly loss of joy and self-pity – you almost kicked my butt today but you did not win.
The truth is I have a lot to be thankful for.