So the pregnancy books probably will toss off this amazing feeling as muscle spasms, my uterus growing, blah blah blah… but can I just say that I am almost 100% sure I felt her kick for the first time last night? At exactly 15 weeks. (and just a few minutes ago! She seems to be very active at night)
I’ve been feeling the other stuff for weeks, but this… well it feels like magic.
Every time it happens I silently go “Oh!” and smile, hold my small but growing belly, and think…
I can’t wait to meet her.
I felt Jenna move for the first time at 15 weeks too.
I think God knew I needed a happy lift after the pregnancy blues took me by storm on Friday evening. I ventured out to Target exactly one week after we found out we were having a girl, and I did it. I bought her her first something. Well almost first, since I made her her first somethings (the headbands). But regardless…
it was a big step.
Huge actually. I get tired of people telling me that everything will be alright. How can anyone possibly know that? They don’t know. I realize it is their noble gesture to rid me of my fear and help me enjoy this amazing, amazing little person growing inside.
The truth is I am struggling to find a way to curb these very real fears. Even though everything is going great so far. But ultimately I don’t want to have another pregnancy I barely remember.
Being pregnant again after Jenna for the first time was like nothing else. It was uncharted territory for me, and pregnancy was stripped of it’s innocence. I knew too much, and that kept me at bay for a long time when it came to bonding. Of course, any good mama will tell you it’s impossible not to bond, especially after hearing those heartbeats, and seeing them doing flips on the monitor.
When I think about my pregnancy with Bubby, it feels like a whirlwind and less like a beautiful nine month span.
I remember bleeding at 12 weeks or so. And the panic. The tears. The guilt. I thought we were losing him.
I remember being 28-ish weeks and sitting on the sofa with one of my dearest friends, Angela, and talking while my belly would wiggle. We’d laugh over his silly 3D ultrasound pictures and how one of them looked like he was laughing too.
I remember peeing on a stick and being filled with anxiety almost immediately when the pee stick read “Pregnant” within seconds. The one just a few hours ago (different brand, not digital) told me I wasn’t. But I knew… something was different.
I remember being amazed that I could grow a healthy baby. I had lost so much trust in my own body.
I remember the rash that covered me from head to toe, from the antibiotics at 30-ish weeks that had me looking like a spotted tomato.
I remember craving fruit. And sweets, oh my. I am not a sweet tooth (or I wasn’t in my pre-Bubby days), but I quickly became one with him.
Everything in between those monumental moments are a blur. I don’t feel guilty about it, considering how much anxiety and fear I was trying to surpress only months after losing Jenna. I was just so focused on getting him to viability so that there would at least be a chance. It turned out he would surpass viability and weigh a whopping 7 pounds, 5 ounces.
Since Friday I have been burning inside to do something. There are a bunch of things that keep me busy, but I want something just for her. I have this idea that I am working on, and I think it will help distract me at the very least. I hope to share pictures in the next few days if it all goes well. :)
Wishing you all a beautiful week xx
ps… I can’t tell you how much your sweet thoughts, comments, emails and prayers mean to me during this time!!
<3I am Mama of 2 rainbows, and I am so proud of you and your honesty . Remember 1 day at a time, live in those moments. I remember praising God at the end of each day that we made it!
So cute! She will love it, and look adorable in it.
I think people who haven’t been through it don’t know the leap of faith it takes, to buy things. How much hope and strength even those little gestures show. Sending you so many good vibes.
Kelly recently posted..Guess what? Life isn’t fair.
Thank you Kelly.
xoxo
While it is hard to not compare to our own experience of going through those things that happen to “other people”, I pray for God to give you peace and COURAGE and the savoring of this amazing gift! I can’t wait to see your idea!
MarshaMarshaMarsha recently posted..2012-2013 Homeschool Curriculum
Beautiful words from your mama heart. And, I love the outfit you bought for her. Prayers for both of you…
Thank you so much Kelly! Your prayers mean SO much!
Glad you were able to do something for her! It’s so hard and the fear that things will go wrong doesn’t go away. But you’re doing great! Everything you can for her. It was great to see you Friday! We have to do it again soon!
Thank you Natasha. I hope we can do it again soon too!!! It was very good to see you!!!
Xoxo
How wonderful to feel such early and encouraging movement! I too felt like I felt my babies move pretty early. I know what all the doctors and books say about how you shouldn’t be feeling anything until much later but hey! you feel what you feel! :) Much love to you today!
xoxox
Hillary recently posted..Griffin’s First (Unexpected) Haircut
Are those butterflies on that uber cute outfit?? How perfect can you get!
Stephanie D recently posted..Clocks and Calendars
Oh that would be beyond perfect! I think they are bows ;)
I did not know you were having a girl… congrats!!!! Cherish those little moments lovely lady. I am pretty certain she is going to love that outfit. Will be thinking of you!
Thank you so much Nicole :)
I’m so glad you celebrated Baby Girl #2. This rainbow pregnancy thing is hard. I’m glad that you’re taking time to enjoy this second one. I am trying to do the same…
Beth recently posted..In the Art Studio: Warrioress, Wood Mounted Prints, & #1,000
i remember feeling the same way at the same moments in my current pregnancy. we, too, struggled a lot with pregnancy and suffered a loss. and i completely get what you mean about other people telling you everything will be alright. i have just started feeling comfortable in this pregnancy and will pray for you to get to that point in yours. hang in there mama!
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Thank you so much Morgan! Praying for you too, and so glad you are feeling comfortable. That gives me hope :) xoxo
I’m new to your blog and have to say, “WOW.” You are an inspiration! Can I just say, even tho it might be hard to see while on the inside, from my perspective…looking from the outside in…I see strength. I realize coming from a complete stranger that might not hold a lot of weight, especially since I don’t see your daily struggles, but I see a strength that only a mama could have – a strength that comes from God. I’ll be praying for you & agreeing with you.
I love that little outfit you bought her, she’s going to be a precious little gift all decked with bows! :)
Thank you so so much Amie, it means so much – your prayers and kind thoughts. Big hugs!!!
I am so happy for you! And that is an adorable outfit. I felt AJ move at 14 weeks, like a little butterfly fluttering up my stomach. I called my friend and asked if I was right that it was movement. With Ariel I was 10 weeks along when I felt her, but I guess she just wanted to do everything early; kicks, flips, breaking my water, being born. Silly little girl.
Amanda recently posted..Mermaids, redheads, and cons
So beautifully written! I am sure you really are feeling her kick at this point. Enjoy every bit! Relax into God’s love: He is taking care of you and your little one.
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