The Greatest Thing

Someone said in our meeting last week that children are the greatest thing you’ll ever be given. I guess it was the way it was worded that really hit me.

I mean, that is a no brainer, right? But I guess it felt good to have someone else validate that truth. Children really are the greatest thing you’ll ever be given. And… if that’s true… then they are the greatest thing you’ll ever miss if one leaves your world too soon.

Sometimes it amazes me how deep that scar runs.

I don’t carry the sadness of her death with me like I did that first year, and maybe even the second year. It was a sadness I couldn’t shake willingly. It was my burden to carry. And it still is to some extent, but grief has a way of changing.

The scar though, it runs deep.

Nothing can bring me tears quicker than thinking about the pain that surrounded those days, and even the bittersweet joy.

The greatest thing.

It’s a wonder we can find healing in this aftermath.

Lately I’ve been reading Bloom. A dear friend sent it to me after sharing that one of the main characters’ names is “Bubby”. *smile*

It is by far one of the greatest reads EVER.

I’ve only been able to read it a few days since it arrived, but I am more than half way done, which makes me sad!

***spoiler alert*** don’t read this if you plan on reading the book! ;)

In the book the author talks how she is grieving the loss of the relationship between her two daughters, that she had so longed for and even promised her eldest child. She didn’t lose a child, but she talks about how she lost a dream when her child came out with DS.

I can relate to losing a dream.

Just the other day we drove by a cemetery and usually I am the one to bring it up that we should go visit Jenna. Lately, I just can’t. But it’s not because I don’t want to, I just fear going there right now for some reason. It brings life and death too close together — in my mind. I heard Pete say “we haven’t been to see Jenna in a while…”.

“Yea, I know.” I suggested we go see her next week after the wedding. If he said something about going to see her it, it’s been a while.

I wanted to burst into tears because I must be the worst mother of a grave, ever.

I want to wrap my pregnant self in a bubble. Every little pain or twinge sends me into a guessing game (and sometimes a Googling game) of what on earth this or that could mean. The bubble makes me feel a little more safe about this pregnancy with Peach, but it also makes me feel even further away from Jenna. I think grief and new life coexisted much easier with my pregnancy with Bubby, not because I wanted it to, but because it had too. The grief was naturally raw and wrapping myself in a bubble wasn’t an option. I do remember feeling this living contradiction, a strangeness – holding a new life inside me while visiting her grave. I suppose that is when I learned that grief and joy really do coexist.

And their dance is sacred, beautiful and like no other. The steps are tricky. And if you let your guard down you’ll get so wrapped up in trying to lead this dance that you’ll miss the beauty these two make together if you’d just let go… and follow.

Needless to say, I’m relearning these steps… clumsy feet and all.

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Comments

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    Michelle says:

    I too lost a daughter and then had a baby after, 7 years after. The realness the pregnancy brought the pain, the sadness, the joy, the love, the life and death all seemed to be intertwined. What a beautiful thing it is to be able to appreciate it from that stand point. Knowing that not all moms get that chance to feel all those emotions at once, well at least not all those emotions that deep and strong in the same ounce of time. Something you never really understand, and not sure how you are able to handle it. But from somewhere deep inside comes a strength you didn’t know you had in you.

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    Holly says:

    For sure the greatest gift is my children and I do believe the greatest loss is the loss of your child. Like you, the grief isn’t quite like it was the first year or the second year but it is still there. I don’t visit the cemetery like I used to either. I have been there in almost 5 mos. Wow.
    Holly recently posted..August 19th Day of HopeMy Profile

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    Ginger says:

    We had twin girls in Jan of this year, we went in for our scheduled csection and Baby B’s heartbeat couldnt be found. Lacey Hope was stillborn due to a cord accident at 39 1/2 weeks, her sister Brooklyn Faith was born healthy. I totally understand the bittersweet partnership of joy & grieving bc that’s what we have felt w/ Brooklyn and Lacey since they were born.

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    Mary_M says:

    Beautiful, Fran, just beautiful! “…grief and joy really do coexist. And their dance is sacred, beautiful and like no other. The steps are tricky. And if you let your guard down you’ll get so wrapped up in trying to lead this dance that you’ll miss the beauty these two make together if you’d just let go… and follow.” Beautiful!!!

    I pray that you are able to follow the dance with grace, light & love.

    And I love your current name for little girl: Peach~perfect!

    xo
    Mary_M recently posted..Happy 2nd Birthday, Sweet BoyMy Profile

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    Stephanie D says:

    It’s a beautiful dance!! Sometimes joy leads and sometimes grief leads but together their dance is the best of both worlds. Dance on my friend…clumsy feet and all!
    Stephanie D recently posted..Day of Hope + an EpiphanyMy Profile

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    Jessica says:

    Unfortunately I think we have to keep relearning them over and over. Every season is different. This October it will be five years for us and that just blows my mind. I feel like I should be better at grieving or know what’s coming or something and I just never do.
    Jessica recently posted..Treading WaterMy Profile

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