I can vividly remember thinking to myself in the NICU days, “I can’t wait til this part of my life is past.” That verse about ‘this too shall pass’ would run through my mind. If I had known what being past that part of life would really mean I wouldn’t have been so anxious to get off that NICU roller coaster. Like I’ve said so many times before, it never crossed my mind that we would actually lose her.
I find myself in that frame of mind these days, just counting the days (no, not literally, but close!) to the DAY I get to hold this sweet baby in my arms.
Smell her skin, study her little fingers, and soak up the fact that I can buy and make the cutest baby girl things.
And then I remember how haunting that frame of mind has been over the past three years… wanting to push the fast forward button too soon.
I have to pause right here and say that I believe God gave us that hope – to let us enjoy Jenna every moment that we could possibly have with her. And we did. Unguarded love filled that NICU bedside for 13 days, and we were unapologetic about how much time we spent next to her, skipping meals and missing phone calls. But every so often I’d take a deep breathe and anticipate better days. Days with our first born in our small two bedroom house. Days after this roller coaster. Days where we would look back and think of how far our little girl had come. The roller coaster had a way of flinging me off too soon, without much warning and a never-ending fall.
I don’t want that roller coaster to catch me off guard this time. God forbid, if there is a ‘this time’.
When I catch myself thinking about how I want the days to fast forward, I try to pause, and soak this new baby in, even now. I still can’t believe this is really happening sometimes. Another girl. Another beautiful, precious baby girl.