I can vividly remember thinking to myself in the NICU days, “I can’t wait til this part of my life is past.” That verse about ‘this too shall pass’ would run through my mind. If I had known what being past that part of life would really mean I wouldn’t have been so anxious to get off that NICU roller coaster. Like I’ve said so many times before, it never crossed my mind that we would actually lose her.
I find myself in that frame of mind these days, just counting the days (no, not literally, but close!) to the DAY I get to hold this sweet baby in my arms.
Smell her skin, study her little fingers, and soak up the fact that I can buy and make the cutest baby girl things.
And then I remember how haunting that frame of mind has been over the past three years… wanting to push the fast forward button too soon.
I have to pause right here and say that I believe God gave us that hope – to let us enjoy Jenna every moment that we could possibly have with her. And we did. Unguarded love filled that NICU bedside for 13 days, and we were unapologetic about how much time we spent next to her, skipping meals and missing phone calls. But every so often I’d take a deep breathe and anticipate better days. Days with our first born in our small two bedroom house. Days after this roller coaster. Days where we would look back and think of how far our little girl had come. The roller coaster had a way of flinging me off too soon, without much warning and a never-ending fall.
I don’t want that roller coaster to catch me off guard this time. God forbid, if there is a ‘this time’.
When I catch myself thinking about how I want the days to fast forward, I try to pause, and soak this new baby in, even now. I still can’t believe this is really happening sometimes. Another girl. Another beautiful, precious baby girl.
Thank you. I needed that reminder. I’m less then 4 weeks away from getting to hold my rainbow in my arms. But these are the hardest weeks for me as my firstborn son died a week before his due date. I often feel I just want to be done with this pregnancy so I can have a baby in my arms but like you I remember that right after Alexander was stillborn, I just wanted him back in my womb alive and squirming. This path is so hard but full of a deeper kind of love and joy <3
Megan recently posted..Pet Peeves of a Rainbow Pregnancy
You are so special. I’m glad you recognize the importance of every moment you are given. What a gift!!
Stephanie D recently posted..Day of Hope + an Epiphany
Oh how I remember counting the days and loving that I would get my girl out of the NICU faster than usual.
Amanda Jillian recently posted..Ariel goes hipster
A reminder to us all to take joy in the here & now. Never fear to hope & dream…but don’t forget the joy of the now!
Mary_M recently posted..Birthdays & Blessings