It was about 8:30 in the morning and Bubby and I were strolling through Target to satisfy two cravings of mine.
One – a decaf Iced Latte from Starbucks
and two – some pancake mix.
Naturally after picking up the pancake mix (and some brownie mix) I headed to the clothes. How can you not pass by their clothes? :)
I don’t know how to explain it, but the girl stuff, the girl section – the baby girl section that is- always gets me. I am so used to seeing it and being sad or avoiding it completely. I grieved the loss of not only our first child, but the loss of raising a daughter for so long.
I muffled under my breath that I can’t believe we’re really going to have another girl…
It STILL feels surreal. More dreamlike than reality.
I’m going to be completely honest and say that the first few weeks of this pregnancy were almost BLISS. I had so much confidence that things would be alright. Perfect. Just like Bubby.
I suppose the closer we get to the finish line (and that’s still far away, obviously), the reality just sets in.
Reality of all the things that could go wrong.
I’ve been throwing this mental pity party of why does it have to be like this? and, why can’t I just have my children- all three of them with me?
And then a thought, more like a question popped in my head. Almost like God asking me how much time I spend dwelling on the things I don’t have, versus the things that I do. Percentage-wise, I’d be too ashamed to even find out. The numbers would make it seem like I’ve lost more than I have, which is so, so wrong.
I do have a son.
I do have a beautiful little girl kicking more and more each day inside me.
And I DO have those 13 days to thank God for.
I have a lot.
Dear most unfriendly loss of joy and self-pity – you almost kicked my butt today but you did not win.
The truth is I have a lot to be thankful for.
Amen
Stephanie D recently posted..A Gift from Far Away Places – like Australia
as a mom of nine, four of which i get to smell and hug and touch each day, five of which I never held (but get to feel loving me from on far every DAY) I hear ‘ya sister. Thank you for this perspective. Today my “rainbow baby” boy who came to us only after five angels (and who has a twin sister – i know – talk about a double miracle) smelled of maple syrup. I could hardly let him go. I’m here saying my gratitudes with you AND sending you love and light for you and the sweet baby girl growing inside of you. xoxo
Suzanne Tucker recently posted..A Curvy Road
Fran,
Sometimes I think that recognizing and being thankful for our biggest blessings, also amplifies our biggest losses. It’s hard to find the balance on the tight rope…
So happy that you and Bubby had such a fun morning – thanks, for sharing with us!
Yes, I never thought of it that way, but that is definitely true. Balance for sure.
Pancakes were sure a blast!! :)
Franchesca recently posted..Facing the Giants
And that is the truth, not a day goes by for many of us that our grief doesn’t hover over us and try to steal the best of our souls-but also-not a day goes by that I am not thankful for the four amazing children that I have been blessed with…three here with us and one in heaven & and the amazing life that I call mine. ♥
April recently posted..What Would You Call Them?
Yes, grief can be such a thief of joy! Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone. Big hugs to you ♥
Franchesca recently posted..Facing the Giants
Awww sweetie I feel so happy and a little sad for you. But mainly glad, also ditch the mix, make from scratch and you won’t believe how easy or good there are! =]
Amanda Jillian recently posted..Under water is where I feel at home
Thank you :) I will definitely have to ditch the mix and try pancakes from scratch!
Franchesca recently posted..Facing the Giants
They are sooooo yummy and much more fluffy =]
Amanda Jillian recently posted..Playing in the sun {summer fun}
I’m here saying my gratitudes with you and sending you love and light for you and the sweet baby girl growing inside of you.Thanks a lot for sharing this to us..
Born27 recently posted..Audio conference phone
I can’t even imagine the pain you feel daily, more so now that I have a little baby of my own now. Congratulations on being pregnant and with a girl, what a blessing! It seems like you’re on the right road as far as where your thinking is and where it needs to be :) Happy Friday!
Olivia Booska recently posted..A Story: Bullying
I really loved this post. Thanks.
Aprille recently posted..WordPress Site Now Under Construction
Beautiful, beautiful, post, my dear!
Mary_M recently posted..Birthdays & Blessings