Coffee Date.

It’s been a while since we’ve caught up. And if I had it my way, we’d all be sitting on big comfy couches with our pajamas and big fluffy pillows in our laps, talking over a cup of coffee, tea, lemonade… something yummy.

Talking from one loss mama to another. Even three years later it means the world to have that force behind me, that bond. A group of women who don’t freeze up when I talk about Jenna, or cringe when I bring up details about my pregnancy with her. A group of women who can deal with the ugly side of grief and love anyway, because they’ve been there.

If we had the chance to catch up in real life, I might be too excited to get to the details in life that really matter. It would be a surreal moment, one that many of us writers at Still Standing have dreamed about forming together one day. A retreat for loss mamas. A conference of some sort. It would be life-changing.

But if we did get the chance to sit down for a good while, I would finally get over the jitter and excitement, and the SURREAL of the moment and spill some of my heart with you. You’d get it somehow.

I’d tell you I feel guilty sometimes for being happy about having another girl. And I feel so lucky to be the mama of one boy and two girls. I’d tell you those two feelings in one heart just don’t make any sense and it makes me want to implode somedays.

I’d tell you about the calendar idea I have for 2013 for Carly’s and my card line. Excitement-CITY.

I’d tell you that I want to write a book. It’s a burning desire I have inside me that needs to get out. I just have zero clue where to start. Pen to paper, right? Or in this day and age, fingers tapping the keyboard.

I’d tell you I sewed a blanket for my little man the other day and I felt proud to be my mama’s child. She taught me a few things.

I’d tell you that my son is beginning to be a daddy’s boy and while it should be sad, it’s not. It’s beautiful to watch. He adores his daddy, and rightfully so. Pete is such a great Daddy.

I’d tell you that the evening and late night hours are my favorite time of the day. The baby flutters I feel are too much to put into words. Just joy, unbelievable, unspeakable joy.

I’d tell you that our pool closed the other day and while I know it’s silly, it made me smile. It just made the closing of summer that much more real, and the beginning of a new season and the homecoming of our baby girl that much closer…

I’d tell you we’re supposed to see Jenna tomorrow and I’ve got mixed feelings about it. I do know I want to take her something fuchsia. I think she’d like that.

I’d tell you I am more clumsy than ever and it’s almost to the point that it’s ridiculous and life-threatening. I’d ask you if that is normal in pregnancy, because while I can google statistics and questions, a friend’s opinion always means much, much more.

I’d tell you I still have a hard time praying. And I’d tell you I never thought my faith would feel so weak after feeling so close to God after losing Jenna.

I’d tell you I have a hard time with trust in this pregnancy. Trusting my own body. Oh dear, we can camp out here for a while. How does one trust their own body after the most epic let down?

I’d tell you this pregnancy is trying my faith almost more than anything I can remember. With Jenna I had a solid faith in God, even though it was the most disappointing moment of my life, that he let her die. I still had faith in him. With Bubby I began to feel frustrated. I had strange, mixed feelings toward him. My faith toward him was out of sheer desperation. If anyone could help this new child, he could.

And now, I think my faith is just tired. Does that make sense?

I’d ask you about you. Your life, your dreams, your faith. Your heart.

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Comments

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    Grief is a complicated road, especially since it’s a road that we walk while living life. When I get tired, which has been quite often lately, I am reminded that maybe I’m tired because I feel like *I* have to do it all… I have to keep my faith, I have to set the good example, I, I, I… and then I am reminded that maybe that’s why I’m tired? I have to let this burden of holding on go and trust that God is holding on to me… trust God when I know that I can’t go on… or maybe when I can go on, I should just let Him carry me instead.

    “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
    Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
    For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30

    Oh but it is hard. I am looking forward to true rest one day.
    MarshaMarshaMarsha recently posted..Teenager!My Profile

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      Franchesca says:

      Thank you Marsha. That must be it. I feel like I am doing alone without God, and that is definitely exhausting. Thank you for the reminder that he is so loving. It’s something that is sadly so easy to forget.

      True rest, that sounds so good!!! Looking forward to it too.

      lots of love xx
      Franchesca recently posted..Coffee Date.My Profile

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    It makes perfect sense to me. I’ve been there. But He was always waiting for me to feel His presence again. I especially felt weary in my faith when I started having the same pregnancy problems with Adam, our first Rainbow, as I did with Meredith. I loved Him so much, I wondered what He had against me. Thankfully, I was left intact with my faith. Big hugs to you – my heart is with you. xoxo
    Sarita Boyette recently posted..Is It Too Late For A Mother’s Day Post?My Profile

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    Claudia says:

    How cute!
    Claudia recently posted..גיבוי מרחוקMy Profile

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    I love love love the photos =]
    Amanda Jillian recently posted..We’re an all-star familyMy Profile

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    You’re very very welcome =]
    Amanda Jillian recently posted..We’re an all-star familyMy Profile

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    Amy Young says:

    Fran, what I love, though I know it’s not easy, is that your experience/interaction with God has ebbs and flows. It it was all easy, rah-rah answers, I’d be more …. I don’t know they right word. Leery doesn’t seem quite it, it would seem less authentic and believable. And you are both of those things!
    Amy Young recently posted..In which I feel not worthyMy Profile

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    Tara E says:

    Oh I know what you mean about losing trust in your body… we just went through our 3rd miscarriage in a year, and sometimes I feel like my body has just let us down. I know I can’t blame it/myself… but that’s just what I humanly feel. Your writing means so much to me… it is so good to read of other mamas feeling the same pain / grief / joy /etc. With this last pregnancy, I had such trust / faith that it would work out. Now, I’m afraid to hope again. I know our Father is good, but sometimes I just ask why we have to walk through this.

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