It hasn’t always been like this. Grief today looks so much different than it did three years ago, two years ago – even one year ago.
I don’t know when it happened, but I have to think at some point I just got tired of feeling so blue. So wiped out by grief. So angry. So sad. So old.
Grief is exhausting.
I do know that welcoming our son gave me a temporary relief from the vicious waves of grief. I was able to enjoy his littleness, the miracle of him.
It wasn’t long before grief forced it’s way back into my world, and my heart. It was all over my face. And looking at me you might have thought this beautiful little boy just wasn’t enough, but that wasn’t it at all.
Quite the opposite.
He was more than enough. The way he was used to mend me and this empty arm syndrome, made me feel unbelievable guilt.
I switched from the radio this evening to a Christmas CD (yes, Christmas music already) my husband was playing today. A song came on, and I know it can’t just be me, but songs have a way of bringing in memories like certain scents do.
Well this Christmas song flooded me with memories of last Christmas season. Last Christmas I remember feeling so low for some reason. I just missed her. I even wrote this post and put it off for months (because I didn’t want to depress anyone around Christmas!) until it one day it went live only because I forgot to set it back a few more weeks on my dashboard.
Anyway, the song reminded me of my place in grief a year ago. I have to say I wasn’t in the best place.
Somewhere around the new year (this year) a sense of giving in overcame me.
Giving in to love.
Giving in to peace.
Giving in to true happiness.
Not because they had suddenly become present either, these gifts had always been within my reach. And at times I even felt comfortable accepting them back into my world, but never for too long.
I finally gave in earlier this year to celebrate this life. For one reason, and one reason alone.
This was the gift she had left me all along. To love the little things in life – like never before. Celebrate them. Appreciate the things so many people take for granted - I took for granted before.
I have to say giving in felt liberating. Almost like I could fly, cry and breathe all at the same time.
It has been one of the best decisions I have made since her death… to live again. Only this time to live boldly.