These last few days have been filled with so much.
So much love.
So much hope.
So much anxiety.
And surprisingly so much grief.
When the nurse came into the room and announced that we would be taking the baby that night, it was everything I could do to not cry.
I fought back the tears. This birth, this experience, this moment did not have to be surrendered over to grief. Or to my loss.
It could be beautiful. It could be it’s own thing.
And it was. Somehow the past could not steal the moments that filled the room where she would take her first cry.
Since giving birth, I’ve fought tooth and nail to walk again and gain my strength.
Seeing her the first day in the level 3 NICU was intense. They were mostly monitoring her breathing and resting heart rate. She has since been moved to the level 2 NICU, and we hope to bring her home in a week or so.
If this year has taught me anything it would have a lot to do with beginning again. Embracing again. Believing again.
Letting go and living again.
This past weekend of welcoming our last child, a beautiful daughter, into this world on the very same days that this year comes to an end, sealed that into my heart like nothing else. The pregnancy, the days leading up to her birth, writing out everything involving pregnancy after loss from thought to paper… held some incredible moments of victory, hope and healing.
As I watched my husband hold our sweet Evie in the level 2 NICU tonight, my heart could almost cry. These are the very moments – preemie moments – we had so hoped for with our first. What a bittersweet life this is.
I look forward to this coming year, welcoming a new beginning. Bringing all the lessons from grief, and the way she has molded me over the past few years… with a great deal of this newness. This new life.
This year I begin again.