This is our third year going to the rodeo. The first where Joseph was able to really enjoy it.
I loved watching his face, riding the pony, feeding the animals, riding the ferris wheel, walking around in his big boy boots holding his Daddy’s hand. Be still, my heart.
He’s growing up, and while I can’t do anything about that, I can enjoy this. Though I wish I could press pause every now and then.
I love this age.
Every morning as I change him from his jammies to his play clothes, he hugs me and says “lu you Mommy”.
It’s amazing to me that he knows at such a young age how to use that word, love.
But at this little age, he knows love. I see it in his eyes when he looks at Evelyn. Even the way he talks about her, or his dad, and I would assume the way he talks about me when I’m not around.
I read something the other day about children teaching us what life’s really about while we are trying so hard to teach them… it’s so true.
I have a feeling Evelyn is going to teach me so much. She’s already opened up my heart in ways I never imagined. I’ve had so much guilt these past few weeks about feeling overwhelmed and even some sadness since Evie’s come home. Nothing about grief is easy. Part of it has to do with learning this routine of raising two littles, but mostly I am processing this new place of grief. Loving my two daughters. Loving them both, in two totally different ways, and believing that it’s okay. If I’m totally honest, I am growing impatient with myself. I wish sometimes we could turn the off switch to grief. Especially when it feels like it is robbing so much from today.
I hold her a lot. I rock her more than I rocked Bubby, not really taking much else into consideration but the fact that I want her to feel wanted, loved, secure. I feel her sensitive soul.
One day she will know about her big sister. One day I will tell her that as much as she is missed and loved, that our precious Evie girl is just as loved, just as wanted. And that she has filled our hearts with buckets and buckets of happy tears. Sometimes it takes working through the messy, sad parts to get there. Because that’s just life sometimes, isn’t it?
Oh my gosh!!! Bubby is beyond adorable in his little cowboy boots riding that great big pony with such radiance!!! Your pictures of him just gave me the biggest smile!!!
And little Evelyn with her deep eyes!!! Trust me: neither of these darlings will ever doubt your all-consuming love for them!!!
Honestly, in a its strange way, as only it can, your grief for Jenna will, I think, one day be reassuring to J&E. Because they will see that NOTHING can separate them from their mama’s love, NOTHING can stop you from loving them~because NOTHING, not even death nor grief, has separated their big sister from your love. AND your love & grief for Jenna shows the hugeness of your capacity to love. Because you could have chosen to never expand your family and your heart, but you, their very own mama, have so much love to give that despite and because of your loss, you desired more precious children to pour that love out upon. How very special to know how much they were loved and desired before they were ever conceived. And I know that they will know they weren’t “replacements” or “stand ins” but are loved and wanted simply for who they are. How lovely.
Thank you Mary. I never saw it that way, but that is something I am going to have to think about when this mama guilt creeps in. Thank you again so much!!!
xoxo
Franchesca recently posted..Origami Owl Giveaway
You feel the guilt that tries to piggy-back on grief, but remember grief can, in its own odd way, be a strange blessing…it is intimate in its own right, it brings a sort of healing, and it does indeed show your capacity to love. I am quite sure that even while you are having a mini (or huge!) guilt trip, your lil darlin’s are just feeling the love. They are very blessed to have you for their mama!
Mary_M recently posted..Uncle Jody
Fran~You feel the guilt that tries to piggy-back on grief, but remember grief can, in its own odd way, be a strange blessing…it is intimate in its own right, it brings a sort of healing, and it does indeed show your capacity to love. I am quite sure that even while you are having a mini (or huge!) guilt trip, your lil darlin’s are just feeling the love. They are very blessed to have you for their mama!
Franchesca, your honesty is such a breath of fresh air for me. Such a help. We finally found out last week that our baby is alive and healthy. Praise God! And yet I still have a flood of fears for this baby. And grief for the ones we lost that I’d be giving birth to this month, and was supposed to birth at this time last year, too. What a river of emotion! Your posts give me such hope and reassurance that it will be ok to rejoice and still feel sadness over the loss. There will always be that sting in my heart and I want to embrace the joy that still comes as well. You are a sweetheart and there is no denying the love your children will always feel from their mama.
Kerry recently posted..an all-consuming love
I am so happy for you and your beautiful good news!!!! But yes, you are so not alone in this bittersweet journey. I hope grief is gentle on you <3 hugs!!!
Franchesca recently posted..Origami Owl Giveaway
This is beautiful. It’s amazing how grief can change and grow. It will be a year for me this week since our daughter died, and it startles me how it’s become a part of my daily life now. I can only imagine how it is when you have another little girl. She’s so lovely, it must fill your heart and make your heart ache at the same time.
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“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”
― Washington Irving
Love it <3 He looks so cute on the pony
Amanda Jillian recently posted..Picking up the pieces #iPPP
Thanks for this post…it(in combination with some events today) really made me think through a lot of things I haven’t been thinking about for a while. I appreciate your honesty and I just want to encourage you to be OK with where you are…even if its not where you want to be. My big girl is just 4, William should have just turned two and my rainbow boy is almost a year now…I’m in a new place and I’ve finally come to terms with it :)