This is our third year going to the rodeo. The first where Joseph was able to really enjoy it.
I loved watching his face, riding the pony, feeding the animals, riding the ferris wheel, walking around in his big boy boots holding his Daddy’s hand. Be still, my heart.
He’s growing up, and while I can’t do anything about that, I can enjoy this. Though I wish I could press pause every now and then.
I love this age.
Every morning as I change him from his jammies to his play clothes, he hugs me and says “lu you Mommy”.
It’s amazing to me that he knows at such a young age how to use that word, love.
But at this little age, he knows love. I see it in his eyes when he looks at Evelyn. Even the way he talks about her, or his dad, and I would assume the way he talks about me when I’m not around.
I read something the other day about children teaching us what life’s really about while we are trying so hard to teach them… it’s so true.
I have a feeling Evelyn is going to teach me so much. She’s already opened up my heart in ways I never imagined. I’ve had so much guilt these past few weeks about feeling overwhelmed and even some sadness since Evie’s come home. Nothing about grief is easy. Part of it has to do with learning this routine of raising two littles, but mostly I am processing this new place of grief. Loving my two daughters. Loving them both, in two totally different ways, and believing that it’s okay. If I’m totally honest, I am growing impatient with myself. I wish sometimes we could turn the off switch to grief. Especially when it feels like it is robbing so much from today.
I hold her a lot. I rock her more than I rocked Bubby, not really taking much else into consideration but the fact that I want her to feel wanted, loved, secure. I feel her sensitive soul.
One day she will know about her big sister. One day I will tell her that as much as she is missed and loved, that our precious Evie girl is just as loved, just as wanted. And that she has filled our hearts with buckets and buckets of happy tears. Sometimes it takes working through the messy, sad parts to get there. Because that’s just life sometimes, isn’t it?