I feel like I don’t write enough about my babies here. The truth is our days are so full. My inboxes are usually overflowing and the projects I am trying to finish up just keep multiplying. That’s how I roll, I multitask and crash, make popcorn and then try to write something worth reading. I try to remember the words I wished I’d penned somewhere on the way home (passenger seat). But at the end of every day, I’m the last one to turn in. The night light in Joseph’s room is beaming into the hallway a little and if Evelyn’s monitor was turned up all the way I could probably hear her snoring in the next room. She snores, I just love it :)
She sleeps through the night and has been for some time. It’s kind of awesome. She also pretends to read – I’ll catch her flipping through books and babbling in her sweet voice. Joseph pats her back and helps her out when she coughs and he still calls her his baby. I watch them both with so much wonder and I hold them so close it hurts. I feel privileged to be called to be their mama. Day in, day out. With all my shortcomings, forgetful habits, strings of never-ending to-do lists, and on-the-fly adventures. Lately it’s become more real than ever that we won’t ever be welcoming a new baby into our home again. That beautiful season of new parenthood is behind us. Over. Forever. I cried when it finally hit me. I think when Evelyn was born, I was just so… ready. Ready for her to be here, ready for pregnancy to end, ready to feel good about myself again. Just ready. Pregnancy for me is kind of a roller coaster, if you don’t know our whole story. So when that sadness came over me, I didn’t see it coming, but it kind of struck me weird that I hadn’t been sad. So I was a little relieved to feel “normal” about this. I wasn’t sad because I had “baby fever”, but it was just another goodbye. Another season of life that has passed. I look back, and this whole season of going from a college student/ wife, to a mom… it’s changed me through and through. I don’t like change, and when I see it in myself it downright scares me. But in this season of becoming a mama for the first, second and third time, I’ve learned more about love and trust and patience and LIFE than in all twenty nine years of my life.
These littles – I owe them everything. Our loss changed me, but so did becoming a mom. I’ve learned to let my idea of “perfection” go and just take what life gives you and make the best of it. Being a mama is hands-down the most humbling experience, to know you have one shot to give these amazing little souls every thing you got. And that God trusts you to do it right. That is amazing. It never stops being amazing.