free

brother and sister

I am free.

Free from the lies.

The hurt.

The guilt.

The guarded heart.

The trembling.

The fear.

Today, I am free.

She smiles. Her dimples poking the most adorable pockets into the biggest, softest cheeks ever.

She loves.

Something in her eyes tells me she knows.

The rainbow.

It heals.

The scar ever present.

But the gift it brings is something you never, ever get over.

rainbow baby

Her first real tutu… ever. How perfect is it?

:)

Some things I wish I could whisper to Heaven

Other than the obvious i miss you…

I’ve thought a lot about the things we’d be doing together. As a family of four. I wonder a whole bunch what it would be like with a 22 month old little girl in the mix. You’d no doubt be a great big sis’ to little Bubby.

I would tell you that even though none of this makes sense it’s somehow becoming normal. Whatever normal is.

I would tell you how even in my happiest moment there’s always a tinge of sadness.

I would have loved to see your face light up with the dolphins and sea lions this past weekend.

I wonder all the time if you can see us. I hope you can.

I am a little jealous that Bubby can see you {and I believe he can} and I can’t.

I still sometimes can’t believe it happened the way it did. And I survived.

Every time the skies are filled with pinks and purples I know it must be you watercoloring up there. You and all the babies painting for us. You make quite a beautiful mess.

Some pictures are still hard to look at, but maybe because that’s not how I want to remember you.

I am beginning to feel a quiet peace again.

Everything I do here is for you baby girl.

Thank you for making me a mommy…